


Life Beyond the Cart

by doctormambo



Category: The Grinning Man - Grose / Phillips / Teitler / Morris, The Grinning Man - Philips & Teitler/Grose & Morris & Philips & Teitler/Grose
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-20
Updated: 2018-06-17
Packaged: 2019-05-09 04:29:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 35,257
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14709110
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/doctormambo/pseuds/doctormambo
Summary: When a mysterious woman knocks on the cart of Ursus, Druggist and Puppeteer, the lives inside of it are about to be changed forever.(This is an AU story that deviates from the musical as soon as they get to Lon-Don)





	1. It's Not a Story, It's Your Life

“Watch me smile.”  
Grinpayne untied the knot of the bandage that covered his disfigured face and revealed it to the paying crowd. The blood glistened on his cheeks, while his teeth seemed to be piercing through the skin. The audience gasped and in the next moment, they erupted with laughter at the sight of the boy forced to smile for his entire existence by a wound inflicted by a cruel man. All but one laughed. She stood with her mouth slightly agape.

He disappeared off the stage and behind the curtain. The crowd started to disperse, a small murmur running through them as they walked off to the next freak show they could gawp at. She walked against the crowd, going towards the stage off an impulse. There was no real plan when she got there and she wasn’t even sure what she was expecting and yet her feet were leading her that way, pushing through the crowd until she was finally at the small cart.

Her hand shook slightly and she stayed still, only her eyes blinking for a moment. Her hand seemed to suddenly work of its own accord, knocking softly on the door and awaited an answer.

“What do you want?” a voice barked.  
“S-s-sorry, would it be possible to-uh, to talk to the Grinning Man?” she stumbled out.  
“Grinpayne, you got a fan,” he snickered.

After a few moments of movement in the cart, the door finally opened and he stood before her, his bandage covering his affliction once more. Never before had she felt words escape her mind so quickly, and she could feel her hands starting to shake. Her gaze shifted to the floor so he couldn’t see her swallowing hard and scowling at herself.

“I-uh, I found your tale very-uh…” she paused, the word seemed to escape her for the moment and she chewed on her lip as she tried to get it back, “intriguing,” it wasn’t the right word but it would do for now.  
“Oh,” he was taken aback for a moment, “No one has ever spoken to me after a show.”  
“It was such a moving story, I mean… it’s not a story, it’s your life, it’s real,” she rambled, stopping suddenly and looking away. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to bother you, maybe-“  
“You’re not bothering me at all,” he interrupted.  
“Really?” she looked back up at him, smiling softly.

As she looked up at him, he could see how pale her complexion was, but it didn’t seem to be from shock, but simply her skin, noting the mottled nature of it. Parts of her exposed skin showed red rashes, tiny cuts and scrapes. While her clothing seemed to be expensive, but the dirt and tears made him feel that maybe they were stolen or simply taken after they’d been discarded. The thing that drew him in the most was her bright eyes, they seemed to glisten as they looked at him in an interesting hazel and green hue.

“No, not at all, not many people remember the story after seeing…” he trailed off, losing the best way to describe his disfigurement.  
“Not many people care for other people, they just want to see the misery to make themselves feel better,” she became quiet.  
“But it is the way I pay for food, so I can’t condemn them,” he said sullenly.  
“And that’s fine, but you’re more than what other people think of you.” She pulled her sleeves further down her arms, covering the red patches. “Even my opinion isn’t of much importance, but I… I just wanted to… I wanted to speak to you, I-uh… I just,” she lost her words again, the nerves setting in as she took a step backwards, deciding that maybe she should leave.

The bells of the church chimed, reminding the people around the hours were getting later. As Grinpayne looked back to the girl after looking to the sound of the bells, she was already turning to leave. He didn’t want her to go just yet, he wanted to know why she was so drawn to him. It was as if they had a reason to be together in this world and he couldn’t help the curiosity gnawing at his insides. Usually, he wouldn’t be so forceful, but he reacted off of impulse instead of thinking about it. He stepped down off the cart and grabbed her wrist before she could get too far away from him.

“Don’t leave,” his voice almost trembled as he held onto her.  
“I have to,” she looked away, her voice filled with sadness.  
“Will you come back?”  
“I promise,” she placed her hand on top of his, squeezing it softly.

And with that, she disappeared into the night, leaving Grinpayne all alone once more. He watched as she got smaller and smaller, feeling his stomach sinking lower and lower, a wave of worry coming over him. What if she didn’t come back and he never got to see her again? It was almost as if she had filled a hole within him and now she had left, he realised how empty he truly was. He was never treated with kindness, apart from Ursus, Dea, and Mojo who were his family and so it was expected of them. Strangers never wanted to engage with him, apart from to laugh at his hideous face. Yet he didn’t even know her name.

With a heavy sigh, he turned back to the cart, walking up the small steps before closing the door behind him. Ursus was currently sat in his chair, simply engaged with his book which usually meant not to disturb him. Dea was already lying down and slowly drifting in and out of consciousness. There was no real explanation for the sudden loneliness burning inside of him, except the fact that he didn’t know if he would see her ever again. He sat on his bed, looking out of the small window, up to the stars, a smile dancing on his eyes and his cheeks pulling up as he thought about how she would be looking at the same stars as him.

She hurried along the road, pulling her ragged coat around her tighter, snaking through the crowds of people to get to her destination quicker. If she was even a minute late in her timing, it was going to end in disaster. She walked up past the bakery, over the small bridge, left at the public house, and then finally through the over grown garden of the asylum. There was a small iron gate that creaked unless you opened it carefully, like she had learnt to do very quickly. As quietly as she could, she walked through the back door, hurried through the corridor, and then slipped back into her room.

In a sudden moment of release, she collapsed onto her bed in a heap. Everything seemed to buzz in her head and she couldn’t quite calm it all down. The rush of getting back just before the handing out of medicines was making her heart pound, but that wasn’t the only thing causing her flutter. While the audience laughed at Grinpayne’s wound, she couldn’t help but feel her heart go out to him. Then to experience his kindness as she tried to speak to him filled her heart with such warmth, something she hadn’t felt in what felt like years. A smile slowly turned the edges of her lips up as her eyes gazed up at the stars through the small barred window of her room.

Even though she was trapped in this building, despite the few days when she had the nerve to sneak out, she could look at the stars and imagine herself in the outside world. Outside, no one looked at her like she was crazy; in fact one of her biggest desires was to simply melt into a crowd and for no one to really pay attention to her. She wanted nothing more than to just feel like everyone else in the world. But instead, people paid money to see her on her worst days, when she was huddled in a corner, weeping and rocking back and forth. It was bad enough to have this judgement from her family, the people who put her in this place, but to have it from strangers who were unaware that she was put in here for not conforming, made her sadder than she wanted to admit.

“Stevenson,” a cold voice called through the door.

That was the signal for her to sit up and move away from the door so the nurse could enter. She cautiously sat up and look to the door as it clicked open, the nurse appearing from behind it with a large needle in hand. An involuntary shudder ran through her body as she looked at the medicine that was supposed to help her. it didn’t really do anything for her wellbeing, the only effect that the drug had on her was the sudden and overwhelming feeling of tiredness and she could fall asleep, only to be awoken a few hours later by screaming of other patients. She didn’t belong here.

The nurse approached with authority, as if she knew that the patient didn’t have the ability to over come her. While there was something that compelled her to rebel against the treatment she was getting in this hospital, her means of rebellion were never going to be violent or even remotely physical. The nurse leant over and plunged the needle into her sore skin, pressing the plunger and administering the drug into her bloodstream. There was no more interaction as the nurse pulled the needle and left, closing the door behind her. As it was now time for the patients to sleep, there was a click as the door was locked.

She slowly laid back down on the hard bed and her gaze shifted back to the stars outside of the window. There was something utterly freeing about looking up at the sky, even during the day when she could watch the clouds lazily float by. In the darkness, her hands reached out and carefully grasped the only possession she had been allowed; a copy of “from the earth to the moon” by Jules Verne. She clutched it to her chest; she didn’t need to read it to feel its comfort, nor to remember the inscription inside the cover: darling sister Hazel, you are made of stars, I love you. 

Thoughts of her brother danced through her head as her eyes finally gave in and slipped closed. They had always been very close when they were children and spending almost two years away from him this much was breaking her. And it had broken him too, he was now at the point where he could barely bring himself to visit her, watching her sanity slip away with every visit, becoming a shell of her. Some days, looking forward to seeing him was the only thing that kept her living in this hell. Her eyes fluttered open for a brief moment, the bright stars in the sky making her feel comforted, like she wasn’t alone. In a strange way, she wasn’t, she now had Grinpayne.


	2. She's Bewitched You

“Grinpayne, are you even listening to me?” Ursus barked at the boy.  
“Yes, father,” he murmured lazily.  
“Okay, then what did I say?” he pursed his lips.  
“Uh,” he paused, he didn’t realise that he was going to be challenged, “something about Mojo’s medicine?”  
“Yes, but what were the instructions?” he was losing patience.  
“Alright, I wasn’t listening...”  
“I said that you need to apply this,” he held up a small tub of crushed leaves that had now formed a paste, “to the wound in the morning, the afternoon, and the evening, I need to go into town, so you’ll have to do it while I’m gone.”  
“Okay,” Grinpayne still wasn’t really looking at ursus.  
“What’s got you distracted, boy? Did that woman do something to you last night?”  
“No!” he protested quickly and then paused. “She was very kind, she isn’t like everyone else here.”  
Ursus let out a loud and short laugh. “That’s usually what people say about someone who turns out to be the worst kind of person.”  
“What does that even mean?”  
“Grinpayne, people lie to get things that they want, they are kind for the sake of their own gain,” he looked up to see the sadness flickering in his eyes. “Just be careful, lad.”  
“I really think she’s different,” he reaffirmed.  
“Alright, alright Grinpayne, just remember to dress Mojo’s wound later.”

Grinpayne knew when Ursus was walking away so he didn’t have to have another argument, but he couldn’t understand why he was blind to this woman’s kindness. Maybe it was age that had embittered him to the world around him, but it was his issue to deal with. He glanced out the small window to see Dea softly stroking Mojo’s head and smiled to himself. He loved Dea and she proclaimed to love him, but thoughts were constantly clouding what he always saw clearly. They grew up next to each other and were both kind people, but they knew one but each other. Was this the reason that he was in love with her? Was kindness the real thing she desired and before last night, Dea was the only one who provided it. 

He looked away from the window and down to his hands; Ursus’s hands were calloused so his could remain soft and loving. The only experience of grinpayne that Dea ever got was touch, unable to see the disfigurement, unable to see the sadness that pained his face with every performance. He was pampered and preened to be a match for her, but if her eyes could see what the rest of the world could offer her, would he be able to keep a hold of her? Yet, last night, he had been seen for what he really was; she saw all of his pain and the torment before she knew his kindness and it hadn’t scared her away. In fact, it drew her in.

He knew he couldn’t spend the entire day thinking of her, it would haunt his mind and he wouldn’t be able to focus on anything. Although, he wasn’t sure he would find something to distract himself from seeing her eyes in his mind, but he knew he had to try. Giving into the inevitable, he turned on his heel and left the cart, joining Dea and Mojo outside.

“Grinpayne?” Dea asked softly.  
“Yes, Dea,” he replied absently.  
“What were you and father arguing about?” she was filled with concern.  
“It was nothing, you don’t need to worry,” he tried to reassure her, but wasn’t very convincing.  
“Grinpayne,” she tried to sound authoritative, “you don’t have to hide things from me, please tell me what is happening.”  
“A woman came to the cart after the performance and wanted to speak to me. She was very kind, she seemed very moved by our story,” his voice was dreamy, but dropped, “but Ursus thinks that she is only like that because she wants something from me,” he almost spat.  
“He just doesn’t want to see you hurt,” she reached out for his hand, and for the first time in a long time, Grinpayne didn’t take it. “He understands people more than we do, he’s protecting you,” her voice softened as he finally took her hand.  
“I know, but he doesn’t know everything, and he never spoke to her, he didn’t hear how genuine she sounded. He didn’t feel what I felt.”  
“Grinpayne, it sounds like she’s bewitched you, like she has you thinking thoughts that you don’t really feel.”  
“Dea, you understand how ridiculous that sounds? There’s nothing that could make me feel these things, except if I experienced this,” he sounded exasperated.  
“Just promise me you’ll be careful when you see her again,” she gave into him. “Please.”  
“Okay,” he said shortly.

Grinpayne sat a little bit further away from Dea than he usually would, crossing his legs and calling to Mojo. The grass was slightly damp from the morning dew, feeling chilled as it seeped through his trousers. His hand outstretched to stroke the wolf now coming towards him, his normal smile remaining absent. Mojo gave him a soft whimper, pushing his wet nose against Grinpayne’s palm. He slowly stroked along the top of Mojo’s head and then around to his chin, giving him a gentle scratch as he leant in, cooing at him playfully. At least Mojo wouldn’t tell him that he needed to be careful, making him feel like a child that couldn’t take care of themself. 

Thoughts bubbled around his head, feeling bad for snapping at Dea because of course he loved her, and he cared for her so much, but he hated feeling like they thought he was making a bad decision. The idea that someone would lie to him in this way seemed absurd to him, and he felt like if she had been lying to him, he would have been able to tell. Ursus didn’t trust his judgement, and Dea could believe that he would feel connected to that strange creature. His hand fell from Mojo’s fur as the wolf padded back towards Dea, and his mind started to drift back to her. Her eyes seemed to be burned into his memory in a soft haze, unable to forget them as he brought a knee to his chest for comfort.

Most days he would spend dreading his performance because of the shame that he felt once it was over, sometimes feeling almost like a prostitute. He danced on stage as the people laughed and snickered at his agony, all so he could get shiny coins to continue on the meagre life he had. Of course, he used to think that his life would be fine, simply just his small family travelling, but the pain of playing to half filled audiences (sometimes not even that many people watched) and having them ridicule him for something that wasn’t his fault was beginning to damage his happiness. He used to feel content, but the restlessness was beginning to really settle in. 

For the first time in a very long time, the last time was possible when they first started performing, he was actually excited to go out on the stage. Although he was beginning to realise that it wasn’t about performing, it was about the prospect of performing for her. Looking up into the audience and seeing her, because this time he was going to look out for her, was giving him almost a rush of life. He could concentrate on her face and watch for her reactions, and he could block out the rest of the audience and finally feel like he meant something to someone.


	3. A Pang of Disgust

Ursus peered out on the audience from behind the stage’s curtain, letting out a little sigh as he looked back at his children. They both knew that when he sighed like that it meant that there weren’t that many people out there, which was a sigh they heard often. But that didn’t calm the nerves that Grinpayne felt in the pit of his stomach since there was only one member of the audience that he wanted to see. Ursus pushed passed him and out to collect the coins from the people standing by if they really wanted to experience the show. Once the money was collected, he walked onto the stage from the front and announced the beginning of the show to gain the attention of all with his booming voice.

Every moment Grinpayne was on stage, he didn’t really pay attention to his performance, simply scanning the audience as much as he could through the low lights of the lanterns around the fair. He could feel the eyes of Ursus burning into him, berating him for not performing as well as he usually did, but for once, he no longer cared for the approval of his father figure. As he performed a scene that very obviously compared his relationship to Dea to that of the tale Beauty and the Beast, he began to question the real reason that he and Dea had fallen in love. The anxious feeling bubbling in his stomach made him want to walk away from this and never some back.

He was distracted by a small ripple through the audience, looking up and his heart seemed to soar. She had made a promise and she kept it. He didn’t seem able to tear his eyes away as he watched her pull her hood from her head, revealing her dark hair and those beautiful eyes. Then he realised that he was supposed to be delivering a line, taking a deep breath and acting as if the pause was something new he was trying on stage. Despite continuing his performance, every so often, his eyes would lock with hers and he could feel a strange comfort coming from her presence. 

The final part of the show was about to commence and he stood just behind the curtain, trying to settle himself. Never before had he felt like this before and he couldn’t describe what this even was; his head spun, his stomach felt sick, his hands were shaking, he could feel his face flushing, but he also felt calm and at ease underneath it all. Whatever this feeling was, it was making him want to get out on there, shaking his hands almost violently and then appeared through the curtain and onto the stage with a small sneer.

The audience fell silent for a moment, excitement bubbling through them as they realised that this was the point that they would get to see his deformity. For the first time ever, he felt something that he never even knew he had the capability to feel before; disgust. The kindness that he had felt at the hands of the woman he was now gazing at had made him realise how badly he had been treated by people who watched his show. People who he didn’t know from towns he no longer remembered had spat at him, laughed openly in his face for a wound caused by cruelty, they shoved him aside, they only saw him as “The Grinning Man”, never Grinpayne, a real human with feelings.

The anger seemed to fuel his performance, his words spitting at the audience, his movements jagged and explosive. This new found emotion seemed to make the audience feel a little uneasy, watching the performance while they were on edge. That was until he saw the look on her face; her eyebrows knitted with concern, her eyes almost glassy, and her lips down turned with a little sadness. It was with complete unexpectedness that her face softened him almost instant, the end of his song turning more like a melancholy lullaby. The audience melted from view as he finally untied the knot of his bandage and revealed the gash.

A bright flash of light hit the stage and he couldn’t see anyone that was in the audience, but he could still feel her eyes on him. Once Ursus decided that the audience had the best view of him, he pulled a small switch the extinguished the lights and Grinpayne moved back through the curtains and off the stage. His heart pounded as he tried to understand what was going through his mind in this moment. The audience were laughing after the initial shock but they were muffled for him, unable to concentrate on it as all he could do was hear his heavy breathing. He stumbled off the back of the stage and towards the cart, followed closely by Ursus who was holding onto Dea. 

“Grinpayne, are you okay?” Dea’s voice strained with worry.  
“Yeah, I’m fine,” his breath ragged.  
“You don’t sound it boy,” Ursus grabbed his arm, “you’re shaking, let’s get you sorted,” he said, leading him to the cart.

As they finally sat back in the cart, Grinpayne could feel the shaking subsiding as he settled on the chair. Dea’s face was contorted with concern for him, and a small bit of guilt started to sit in his stomach. Ursus knelt in front him with the smallest tinge of worry across his eyes before he turned his attention to a small notebook, trying to decide the best thing that would help him. He wasn’t entirely sure if he should just tell them that this was just an overwhelming feeling, that he was hit with so many emotions in one moment that he couldn’t process it and he was okay now. There was a small voice telling him if he told them that, they would try to find a way to blame the woman instead of the fact that for the first time in forever he felt like he was finally awake.

All of his life, he had spent it sheltered away from all of the true emotions that the world could give to him. Ursus had purposely kept Grinpayne away from people apart from the ones that were in the audience, and even then, he never got to speak to them, only see them as some sort of otherness. Even the other people who he shared land with when they pulled in to places were seen as off bounds to speak to and so Grinpayne’s only experience of life had been Dea’s kindness and Ursus’s love. This woman was waking him up to all the things he had never felt before, opening up a new experience of life.

A knock at the cart door drew all of their attention and there was a moment of confusion between all of them. Dea didn’t want to upset Grinpayne, but she didn’t want him to become more damaged from a visit from this woman that seemed to be changing him. But there was also a small slither of jealousy and selfishness of not wanting anyone to take him away from her. Ursus simply didn’t want to have to deal with the fallout of this woman inserting herself into their lives. If she was gone, they could simply return to the natural balance they’ve had for years. However, he knew that if he told her to leave while Grinpayne was here, it would just create an argument that he wouldn’t be able to win. Not that it mattered now, while Ursus and Dea were contemplating, Grinpayne had already gone to the door to open it and greet her.

“You came,” he greeted her.  
“I promised, didn’t I?” she smiled shyly.  
“You did, but not all people keep their promises.”  
“Now you know that I keep good on my word.”  
“Yes,” he looked back into the cart with an almost smug ‘told you so’ look. “Would you like to go for a walk?” he asked, mainly to get away from prying eyes.  
“Of course, but I can’t stay long,” she said sullenly.  
“As long as I get to see you, I don’t mind,” he said, stepping out from the cart and closing the door behind him.  
“I wish I could stay longer, but it’s just not possible for me,” she wanted to explain more, but it scared her.  
“It’s fine, honestly, although it would be nice to finally know your name.”  
“Oh, I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you yesterday,” she realised, shaking her head at her own stupidity. “My name is Hazel,” she smiled. “Is Grinpayne your real name?” she enquired.  
“Yes…” he seemed puzzled by her question.  
“I don’t mean any offence,” she explained, “it’s just… Grinpayne seemed a little poetic considering all that you’ve been through, I didn’t mean it in a bad way, just that it’s rare people have names that quite so precisely encompass their lives,” she looked away, feeling invasive.  
“I never really thought about that,” he paused, looking over at her, “do you think that my real name could be another thing I’ve forgotten?”  
“It’s possible,” she looked up at him, “but I don’t think that it matters all that much, what matters is who you are and what you do, your name doesn’t define who you are.”  
“I suppose you’re right.” He thought for a moment about their encounter last night. “Can you remember what you wanted to say to me before the bells chimed?”  
“Oh-uh,” she paused, her head started to churn with all the thoughts and feelings she had that night, trying to decide whether or not her words could scare him off. “It was just… that I could, I could feel your pain, the pain of not knowing, the pain of feeling-uh misaligned with the world around you, I understood it clearer than anything I’ve ever felt,” she wouldn’t make eye contact with him, still feeling awkward about revealing her true emotions to someone she barely knew. “And then the laughter that erupted, it made me… it made me feel angry,” her voice wavered slightly.   
“I think you’re the first person to ever feel that way,” he said sullenly.  
“I doubt I’m the first, there has to be more.”  
“Well, you’re the first to tell me of that feeling at least,” he looked to her, waiting for her to look up.  
“I couldn’t resist, I felt a pull to talk to you,” she looked up to him.

Their eyes locked in this moment and it was as if the rest of the world was just melting away. Neither could explain why they felt this affinity with each other, but they could feel it pulling them closer. Grinpayne slowly took her hand, feeling the coarseness of her skin but not letting it bother him. The dim light barely illuminated her face, but he could still see her kind eyes peering at him, and she could still make out his soft eyes watching her. Hazel wanted to let impulse take over, but she couldn’t bring herself to do it as she remembered how little he knew about her situation and there was no way that she could pull him into her world of tragedy when he already had his own to deal with. Instead the two of them stood in silence for a moment, simply taking in the feel of each other’s skin.

Although she was allowing herself to get lost in the moment, she still couldn’t forget that it would be ending soon as she awaited her cue to get back to her room before her nurse. Now she would have something bigger to hold onto while she was in her room, when the dark and the coldness came, she could remember the feel of his hand and remember that there was still kindness in this world. She squeezed his hand softly, not wanting to let go of him, wanting to stay in this moment forever. As if that was his signal to do so, Grinpayne pulled her in closely for a hug, his arms slipping around her shoulders. This action seemed to anger the universe and the clock chimed loudly to separate them.

“I’m sorry, I have to go,” her voice quiet and sad.  
“I know,” he pulled back from the hug slightly, “but you’ll come back?”  
“I promise,” she smiled sadly.

Before she had the chance to walk away from him, he pulled her back into the hug a little tighter and then before letting her go, placed a soft kiss on her forehead. They separated from the hug, her hand finding his in the darkness and then holding it for as long as she could before she was too far away. Being away from him was already starting to lower her mood, knowing that if she could, she would have stayed with him all night. But as she drew closer to the asylum, she could feel the warmth of having been with him keeping her spirit higher. For the first time in a very long time, she felt as if she would actually be able to survive that hellish place.

As she walked back to the asylum, her thoughts wandered all over the place. Her brain told her that she needed to get back as soon as possible considering that she had used some of her time saying goodbye to Grinpayne. But her heart told her to damn it all, to forget about everything that she worried about and get back to him, beg him to run away from London with her. She wasn’t sure if asking him that would cause tension between him and his family and she definitely didn’t want to do that, but there was also the fallout from running away. Not only would her brother be absolutely crushed by losing his sister and someone he adored, but she knew that her parents would make his life hell, blaming him for her disappearance and she couldn’t do that to him. Before she finally walked into the building, she took one last breathe of freedom.

Quietly sneaking into her room, she hung her jacket up on the small nail in the wall and then sat back on her bed. It seemed that she had actually got back to her room a lot sooner than she needed to, but probably only by a few minutes, not enough time to make her regret leaving Grinpayne’s side. She wished there was a way that she could see him for longer, a way she could have a real conversation with him instead of just a few fleeting moments. The only way she was ever going to be able to do that was to get out of this place and the only way to do that seemed to be to tell her parents that she would comply with what they wanted her to do. There was no way that she was going to do that, not only did it disagree with everything she stood for, but it would have been totally counter-intuitive if the reason was to spend time with Grinpayne.

“Stevenson,” the nurse snapped.

Hazel was pulled out of her train of thought by the nurse, her eyes growing wide at the sudden shout, scared that she had finally been found out. As she looked up at the nurse, she realised that it wasn’t that, it was simply that this particular nurse, in fact it was the matron, was renown for being cruel simply because she wanted to be. The matron grunted as she pulled Hazel’s arm roughly and lifted the short sleeve without any care. She couldn’t explain why, but the matron was always inexplicably cold to the touch, making Hazel wish she could crawl away from her as quickly as possibly. Every action the matron made seemed to have the purpose of causing Hazel pain or distress, purposefully searching for a vein while the needle was under her skin, waiting and then finally pushing the plunger. Removing the needle as slowly as possible, she glared at the patient intently, as if trying to detect if there was anything off and Hazel tried her hardest to look like someone who wasn’t sneaking out at night.

The matron stepped back from Hazel and watched her for a moment, her sense telling her that something was wrong, but she couldn’t quite tell what was wrong. She narrowed her eyes, seeing if she could crack her, but there was nothing that she could pin an idea on, and so she simply left the room. Once the door was shut and locked, Hazel let out a quiet sigh of relief, as if she’d been holding her breath the entire time. There was something about the matron that always sent her into a frenzy, like she was just born a cruel person and her sole reason for being here was to bring more pain to the patient’s life. Even though the door was locked with her on the other side, the feeling hadn’t gone away and it was almost sickening to know that woman was treating others. She sat back on the bed, drawing her knees up to her chest and hugging them tightly.

The drugs started to work a lot quicker than usual, always a symptom of being treated by the matron, and her body became heavy, almost painfully so. She laid down involuntarily, her hand falling off the edge of the bed and started to try and find her book. Usually she would have had the time to pick it up, but this time, she could only be able to put her fingertips on it before her eyes started to close repeatedly. If she wouldn’t be able to hold the book through her slumber, she would try her hardest to have one last comfort. Shifting her position ever so slightly, she began to gaze out of the window, concentrating on the stars in the sky. And as her eyes finally closed, but before she was fully asleep, her mind drifted back to Grinpayne, a comforting warmth washing over her.


	4. Crazies on Display

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter occurs within the walls of the asylum and be very triggering for some people as it includes rape and self harm. This chapter has also been written in a way that if these things upset you, you can skip to the next chapter and the story will still make sense to you.

The harsh morning light shone through the small window of the room, causing Hazel to stir with a little mumble. Rubbing her eyes, the sadness settled in her chest almost instantly; she wasn’t outside and she was still in this place. With an involuntary groan, she sat up in her bed, scanning the room before her eyes settled on her coat. A smile crept onto her lips, memories of seeing Grinpayne and being held by him in the dim lights of last night. She no longer felt that heavy pull in her stomach of being alone, or as if she wouldn’t be able to get through this ordeal; she was optimistic.

The thoughts were quickly interrupted by the door opening for her morning medication. She suppressed the urge to sigh and glanced up and was relieved that it wasn’t the matron. She presented her arm to the nurse, letting her take hold of it and finding the right spot for the hypodermic. Once she had been given the injection, there were some pills to follow with a glass of water, presenting her empty mouth so she could finally be left alone. The nurse grabbed Hazel’s face, peering in with an intensity that really wasn’t needed and then pushed her face away harshly. She grumbled to herself and then tottered out of the room and slammed the door shut behind her.

All of the nurses were beginning to fade into one the longer she was here. They used to have personalities that she could pick up on and know which one she was spending time with, knowing which one would be kinder or not. Now there were only three types of nurses that she would see through out her never ending time here. Of course, there was the matron, the one that terrified her more than any other person she encountered, her brutish nature always causing her to retract in fear when she saw her. Then there were most of the nurses who were cold and callous, nurses who just didn’t care about the treatment they were giving to their patients. But then there was the nurse who was above the rest, most people would say she was doing her job, but to Hazel, she was an angel. She didn’t go out of her way to be kind, or do extra things for the patients, but she was tenderer when giving medication, and she would even make sure they were in bed before passing out from a heavy dosage. But then it was only a matter of time before she was worn down to their level.

There was a commotion outside of her room and instinctively moved away from her door, huddling up into a ball at the furthest end of her bed. She hated not knowing what was happening, but at least she felt a little bit safer on this side of the door. None of the voices were easy to distinguish, simply muffled, but she could hear the anger and the violence between them. That was when it all clicked into place and she realised that they were probably picking patients to be on display for the people who were going to be coming in. she couldn’t believe that there were people who paid to watch them at their worst, but then she was beginning to realise that people seemed to revel in watching the pain of others. In an ideal world, she would be able to stand up to them, but sadly, she wasn’t that confident in herself.

Her breath hitched harshly as the door opened once more and she knew exactly what was going to happen next. She started to move away from the matron, backing up her bed and finally hitting the corner, having no where left to go. The matron’s fingers dug into her upper arm and she started to drag Hazel from the room, ignoring the desperate pleas and the struggling. As she was pulled to the corridor, she tried her hardest to dig her feet into the ground, trying to get any kind of traction she could to stop them from taking her out there. She was trembling in the arms of the matron, her cries starting to get louder and sadder as she gave into the fact she was part of today’s show.

Her pleas had become sad sobs as she was forced into one of the chairs in the main area, red marks appearing on her arm as the matron finally let go and walked away. Not only did she hate being put on display for the visitors to point and laugh at her misfortunes, but she hated being here with the other patients. They had their issues, and she had hers; being alone was better for her because she didn’t have to worry about other people. When she was in this room, she was constantly worried about how they felt and also what they were going to do to her. Some of the people in this place could be violent and that was something that terrified her, especially when she constantly felt so delicate and exposed all of the time.

“Hazel, Hazel, are you okay?” the almost inaudible voice asked.  
“Yeah,” she sniffed loudly, “yeah, I’m fine,” she wiped the small tears from her cheeks. “Are you going to be okay, Rosemary?” she asked softly, placing her hand on her shoulder.  
“I hope so, as long as they don’t take Beatrice,” she cradled the bundled blankets in her arms.  
“I’ll make sure they don’t,” she said, cooing at the mock child. Rosemary was delusional, but Hazel found her to be a kind soul and so she still treated her with kindness.   
“I know you will, but the matron can be cruel, don’t blame yourself if something happens, please,” she said a little louder.  
“I know, I know,” she replied. “As long as her son isn’t one of the visitors today, I think we should be okay.”  
“Last time, he threatened to burn Beatrice, he only stopped when I resigned,” she became even quieter.  
“His cruelness knows no bounds, it’s his life blood,” she said coldly.  
“Which is why your kindness is so important,” she said with a smile.  
“As is yours, Rosemary, you are a good person,” she squeezed her shoulder softly.  
Before Rosemary had a chance to reply, there were more screams and cries from other patients. They seemed to be collecting the worst patients, the ones who outwardly had the biggest symptoms to put on display. A man who walked in circles and constantly mumbled about the fire and the children, a woman who sat by the piano and played despite the cover being over the keys, a man who sat quietly but was extremely easy to provoke into a violent frenzy, and a man who despised being looked at. They had picked their finest crazies and were waiting for the curtain to rise. Hazel could feel the tension building in her stomach, almost as if she was going to be sick.

An elderly couple entered the asylum, entering the main room and looking to the fine specimens they had on display for them today. They didn’t seem to be the types to provoke, but instead were the type to just observe as the patients acted in their normal states, most of them in their corners as they watched Hazel and Rosemary sat at the table, comforting each other. The old lady seemed to think this rather amusing, snickering loudly before looking to one of the nurses, as if asking if that’s all they did, wanting to see the caged bears being poked. The nurse looked to one of the male attendants, ordering him to provoke the quietest man in the room. The man suddenly exploded into anger, shoving the attendant violently and quickly moved to push the next closest patient, then he punched the wall, bloodying his knuckles. Before they could get him under control, he had a handful of Hazel’s hair, pulling her off her chair. The couple seemed satisfied and moved on.

Hazel let out a small shriek, terrified of what would happen to her next considering that she had once seen this man smash a chair against another man’s body. He yanked her backwards and started mumbling obscenities, accusing her of things she had never engaged in. His other hand wrapped around her throat and began squeezing. The attendant finally moved into action and started to pull the man from her and let her drop to the floor as she started to gasp for breath. He pushed the man back into his small area of the room and restrained him once more as he tried to break for Hazel again. An eerie silence fell across the room for a moment which was broken by the mumbles of a fire came from the back corner.

As she steadied her breath, she sat back down at the table next to Rosemary, flashing her a shaky smile as she tried to reassure her she was fine. Rosemary may have had her problems, but she could still tell when another person was suffering and her brows softened, offering her a small squeeze of the hand. Impulsively, Hazel started to scratch at her skin, a small patch on her forearm that was already red and the abrasive scratching causing small blood vessels to burst, tiny droplets of blood forming on her skin.

Another crowd came into the room; a typical group of common people who just wanted to see that there were people in the world who were worse off than they were. They gawped and laughed, chuckling and nudging each other to watch the ill people doing their weird little things. Part of Hazel understood why people like this would come along to see them. They didn’t have much in the outside world, they were people who tended to suffer the worst on the outside since they were forced to work in terrible conditions, live in even worse ones and there was no rest bite from the horror that they lived in. The filth and grim of London town constantly coating their insides with black soot, the jobs they worked causing them to get sicker and sicker. And yet she still hated them. While she understood why they were here, it didn’t take away from their cruelty of simply watching people suffer.

People were floating in and out and watching as they were ill treated to start up certain behaviours and everything just became a blur to Hazel. She stayed at the table, almost unable to move from the fear of either being harmed again or simply bringing attention to herself. All she wanted to do in this moment was melt into the background, but she never would when she was on display as people watched her dig into her skin with her own finger nails. Even though she was sat on a chair, she was noticeably rocking backwards and forwards, her free hand hugging herself but bringing her no comfort. Her eyes were fixed on one spot on the table, trying to block out all the things around her, even her own mutilation.

There didn’t seem to be any chatter from spectators until the next crowd came in. They were a boisterous group of gentlemen, already giddy from walking into the building which caused an unnatural amount of worry to lodge in Hazel’s stomach. They all spoke softly and eloquently as they asked questions, trying to find the right spots to scratch to get the real show from all of these people. The matron warned them that if they engaged they could be harmed, but that didn’t seem to deter any of them as they moved closer to them, starting to poke and prod them like they were specimens in jars.

Rosemary let out a soft cry as one of the men snatched her baby from her grasp, making a smarmy comment about one of the other gentlemen’s wives. He mocked the way she had been cradling it so delicately with an absurd imitation and then smirked evilly as he simply dropped the bundle of blankets to the floor and moved on to mock another patient. Hazel finally looked up from her spot on the table and snapped back to reality for a moment, dropping to the floor quickly to scoop up the blankets and rearrange them back to the way they had been so she could try to convince Rosemary that everything was okay, but she knew that it wasn’t, nothing was going to be okay. The tears welled in her eyes as she finally got it to look okay once more, but it wasn’t going to fix anything. 

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” she handed Rosemary back the blankets, “but look, Beatrice is okay, she’s fine, those men can’t hurt her because she’s strong like you,” she held back tears.  
“Th-thank you,” she sniffed softly, taking the blankets into her arms and cradling them close to her chest.

While Hazel had been busy helping Rosemary, the woman at the piano had suffered the torment of the men as well, being pulled and pushed to try and get some reaction out of her. They weren’t to know that she was nearly catatonic and so no reaction would happen, but it seemed the longer they went without a reaction, the more they enjoyed their brutality. But once they were bored of that, they moved in for a closer look at the mumbling man. No matter what they said to him, he was still stuck in his own painful world, reliving his horrible memories. That didn’t stop them from teasing him about his own children and the screams they must have made in the fire he started. They openly joked about his misery and no one seemed bothered by it in the slightest.

They looked in the direction of one of the patients who reacted by screaming at them, spitting venomous insults towards them. This seemed to entertain them to no end and so they continued to play with his feelings. First they would say that they weren’t going to look at him any more and they were leaving and then a split second later, they would stare straight into his glassy eyes and wait for the barrage of insults again. Every insult they received seemed to make them more prone to do it once more, loving the anger they were responsible for. One of them was very caught up in the moment, stumbling backwards and nudging the one person in the room they probably should have avoided.

He moved swiftly and with a fierce anger that all the patients looked up instantly. The man who had bumped him was dealt one swift blow straight to the face. As the other men turned to see what was happening, he had already hit one of them with such violent force to the kidney that he fell to the floor. Before anyone could move into action to save any of them, he had pushed one aside and crashing into the table so he could leap to the man who seemed to be the leader of the group and locked his jaw around the man’s throat. As he bit down harder and harder, going for the kill, three of the attendants finally sprung into action and started to try and restrain him. With a distinct air of authority, the matron walked through the crowd and placed a hypodermic into his neck, instantly knocking him out and releasing the man from his death lock.

Instinctively, all the patients looked down before they could receive the same treatment despite not being part of the violence. The woman at the piano nervously started to tap her feet instead of playing the piano, the mumbling man became strangely silent, Rosemary started trying to shelter her baby bundle, and Hazel’s finger tips slowly made their way back to her red raw patch. Two attendants picked up the violent patient and started to carry him back to his room and the nurses began to round up the others, escorting them to their rooms so they were out of the way while they tried to clean up this current mess.

Once Hazel was back in her room, her head started to spin, the only thing that seemed to stop it was to carry on scratching away her skin, the bleeding beginning to worsen. All the worst things that she could imagine happening had just happened and now she was scared of what it meant would be coming next. Whenever something bad happened in this place, something even worse followed it and that was the order of things. Nothing good ever happened in here because no kindness or joy was allowed to enter through the doors. The only relief came in the form of the sun shining through the window, or being able to look up at the twinkling stars and the soft glow of the moon. The footsteps started and came closer to her room and she involuntarily started to hold her breath.

The door opened and Hazel was sure that she felt her heart stop for a few moments. The matron stood in the doorway and then stepped aside, the gentleman with a red mark forming on his neck stood behind her, a sickly smirk on his lips. He addressed the matron, but Hazel was blocking out all of the sounds, only able to hear her ragged breathing and heart thumping. Before they could enter the room, the kindly nurse slipped in and took Hazel’s wrist softly. She told her that it would be okay and then carefully injected her, squeezing her wrist a little tighter as the worry flashed across her face. There wasn’t any more time for pleasantries and the matron called her out of the room and left the gentleman alone with Hazel once the door shut with the most daunting click Hazel had ever heard.

That click acted like his cue to lunge towards her with a hungry snarl, a sickly sweet scent assaulting Hazel’s nostrils. The drugs were finally kicking in and Hazel had never wished for them to knock her out more than in this moment, but instead they were just making her fuzzy, unable to defend herself, only able to beg him to stop and place her hands on his chest. It didn’t deter him, pushing her all the way back onto the bed and climbing on top of her. One hand wrapped around her throat and the other slowly pushed her dress up. Her hands fell to her side, her bones suddenly feeling like lead and her vision blurring even more. She couldn’t focus on anything to distract her, all she could do was feel his skin on hers and his scent clung to the back of her throat.

Tears were forming in the corners of her eyes as she felt completely helpless in the situation. There wasn’t anything she could do; her body was succumbing to the medication which sadly didn’t numb the feeling as he raped her. All she could do was lay still and whimper, her mind telling her over and over again how this was her fault. The pain made her whimper but thankfully, she was able to look away from him, hoping that ignoring his dark eyes would help her put this all out of her mind. As he finally finished up, he pushed himself off the bed, releasing Hazel and smirking softly to himself. He leant over and kissed her on the cheek, causing her to flinch, hoping he would just finally get out of here. Before finally disappearing, he made sure to slip a small piece of Hazel’s dress that he had torn off the bottom into his pocket. 

Once the door was closed, her eyes finally slipped closed and she just wanted her life to end right now. If her body didn’t feel so achy and tired, she would have started to scratch at her skin, hoping to cause more bleeding. She didn’t even have the energy to reach down for her book, nor the energy to even cry. All of the positivity that Grinpayne had filled her with in the previous night had been sucked out of her, unable to even muster and smile as she thought about him. She couldn’t bring him into this world, there was no way that she was going to expose him to all of this pain and suffering. Especially when she thought about what he had already been through, she would just be adding to his misery and she couldn’t live with herself if she did that. Finally, she had exhausted herself with worry and sadness, her eyes closed and she fell asleep.


	5. I am a monster

Nerves bubbled through Grinpayne’s blood, wondering if he was going to be able to see her again tonight. His fingers began to twitch slightly as he began to think about her, his head clouding with just thoughts of her, the idea of getting to see her filling him with a strange burst of happiness. He looked up from his bed and caught sight of Dea and that small pang of guilt still fluttered in his stomach. He loved Dea, of course he did, but the feelings that he felt towards Hazel had changed his view of his love for Dea. She had always been the only woman in his life and so assumed that this was a romantic feeling, the one he’d read about. But there was a burning for Hazel, an all consuming feeling when he was around her and he was starting to think that maybe this was the romantic love that all of the poets had described. The love he felt for Dea was different; more of an enjoyment of her company, appreciating her being around him, and very protective over her.

He stepped up off his bed and walked over to the small bookcase, looking through to see if there was anything that currently interested him. His movements had caused a small rocking to the cart which drew Dea’s attention to him now being awake and moving.

“Grinpayne, what are you doing?”  
“Just seeing if we had a book I wanted to read.”  
“Oh,” she sounded sad, “find anything good?”  
“Yes, but nothing that I want to read,” he said playfully.  
“Oh Grinpayne,” she giggled.

Dea carefully stood to her feet and stepped forward, her hands outstretched to find him in the cart. He took her hands and led her towards him until they were standing side by side. They both wanted to talk about the think on their minds, but both wanted to avoid upsetting the other.

“Have you dressed Mojo’s wound?” she asked, simply trying to keep him engaged.  
“Yes, I did it just after we ate,” he turned back to the bookcase, picking up books he had no real intent on reading again.  
“Father said that we probably have to stay until Mojo is healed a little more.”  
“I know, but that’s not really a problem, London isn’t all that bad,” he smiled to himself.  
“Grinpayne,” she started, pausing to think of the best way to warn him again, “you know I care about you.”  
“Dea,” he took her hand and squeezed it softly, “I know what you want to say, but you don’t have to,” he brought her in close to him. “I’m following my emotions, the way I want to because the one thing I can’t live with is regret. If I get hurt, I can mend myself, it’s what I’ve been doing my whole life,” he reassured her.  
“I know, but I still worry,” she said sadly.  
“You don’t need to worry about me, we’ll all be okay,” he brought her in for a hug.  
“You two ready,” the voice of Ursus said as he burst into the cart, “we got a pretty big crowd tonight.

Grinpayne held onto Dea’s hand as he led her out of the cart and towards the small stage that they had built. The nerves of seeing Hazel once more started to get the best of him, but he refused to show it on the outside, trying to remain calm. The three of them stood behind the curtain, waiting for the crowd to subside in their chatter and then coming out onto the stage to introduce the show. He couldn’t see Hazel in the audience, but he didn’t let that affect him, after all she could have been running a little late, or she could have been standing in a place where he couldn’t see. Yet, it still seemed to nag at him a little bit, the worry of not getting to see her this night was upsetting more than he thought it would be. He still tried his hardest to perform to the best of his ability.

Dea could tell that he was distracted through out the entire performance and could only assume that he couldn’t see that woman in the audience. Once they finished their performance, she wanted to ask him, but even without her eyes she could tell he was in a foul mood. He seemed to be giving off an aura of anger, something she’d never seen from him before and it scared her. This woman had changed him completely, but she had yet to decide if this change in him was a good one. Mojo nudged her leg slightly in the direction of Grinpayne, as if he wanted this tension to disappear as well. She gave in, feeling for him in the dark, stopping once her hand touched his shoulder.

“Are you okay?”  
“Yes, I’m fine, why wouldn’t I be?” he replied shortly.  
“I don’t know, but you seem upset about something.”  
“I’ll be fine soon, don’t worry,” he said softer, offering her a smile she couldn’t see, nor could he express properly.

She needed to push him for a real answer, but she didn’t want to upset him further, so she dropped the conversation altogether. Ursus helped her into the cart and they both went inside, leaving Grinpayne to wait outside for the woman. There was an unsettled feeling lodged inside her as if she knew that the woman wouldn’t show this evening. If she tried to tell Grinpayne, she knew he wouldn’t listen to him and it would probably make it worse if she didn’t turn up. A sadness was washing over her as she could hear his footsteps, pacing up and down, outside the cart. She wished she could just take away the pain of all of this, but there was nothing she could do to soothe this pain.

Grinpayne started to wring his hands together as he paced nervously. She was usually here by now and if she wasn’t here tonight, why didn’t she come? Did she suddenly realise that he was a monster that she couldn’t be with, or even be seen with? Feelings of inadequacy started to pull at him, wishing he could just explain himself to her and why he wasn’t a bad person, why she could spend time with him and not feel bad. His hands parted and he started to shake them by his side, unable to stop his body from reacting to his feelings that were starting to cloud his mind. All the good things that Hazel had brought to him were now slowly dying in the mists of anxiety and self hatred. He couldn’t believe he had been so stupid to think that someone could actually like him and not be scared off by this darkness inside of him.

The pain started to sear through his body as he let out a small whimper, suppressing it as much as possible as to not worry those inside of the cart. The fear of abandonment from his mother’s drowning started to burn in his chest and the fuzzy face of the man that had cut his face started to dance through his mind. The pain and cruelty he had been exposed to had always brought back the anger and disgust he felt towards him and himself. Another jolt of pain rushed through his body, letting out a yelp as he fell to one knee. He clutched his chest as his other hand started to rub his temple, trying to make it go away, but he knew what he needed was his medicine. His pride was wounded so badly, it meant he was refusing to call for help, or even walk back into the cart. Unfortunately, his pride couldn’t stop the loud grumble of pain from betraying him.

Footsteps came from the cart and down beside him as he felt a warm had around his shoulders. He knew that it was Dea and his guilt sunk even further inside of him, starting to make him feel sick. She reached for his face, holding out the small vial of crimson lethe so he could slowly drink and get his relief. The pain that had seared his head was start to subside already, but there was still an aching in his heart, realising that feeling wasn’t from his previous ailment, but a new feeling. This was because of Hazel and he knew he couldn’t tell Dea or Ursus about this because they would tell him they told him to be careful. He was wounded but too scared to be tended to. He mumbled out a thank you to Dea before she helped him up and back into the cart.

Without a single word to anyone, he climbed into his bed, huddling up into a small ball and pretending that he was falling asleep. There was no way he was going to be able to sleep, not with all of these thought racing through his mind. He wasn’t good enough for someone as beautiful and kind as her and he was finally coming around to accept that now. It didn’t make him happy and it definitely wasn’t help to stop the burning feeling in his chest, but maybe it would help to ease it in time. He couldn’t believe that he had been so stupid, so naïve, to think she would be different from all the people that laughed at him every time he showed his gleaming grin. It was a valuable lesson for him to know that Dea, Ursus, and Mojo were all he needed to get through this life. It didn’t stop him from gazing up at the stars and wondering where Hazel was for her to not be here with him.

The morning light seemed harsher than it usually did, shining in on him and waking him from a kind dream. The events of last night returned to him, destroying the warmth that dream had brought him. During the night, he had been able to hold Hazel, to touch her, to finally feel the love from her lips. That had now been ripped from him as he remembered she had abandoned him for something else that he knew nothing of. He wished he could know what had stopped her, if it was feelings or if it was something he had said to her. But no, she had still promised to return after their conversation so he couldn’t have made a misstep. She spoke of the pull she felt towards him, her feet had brought her to him and yet last night, nothing had brought her. Maybe he had lost his chance to impress her further, her interest in him simply falling away as she saw the real monster he was.  
He stepped out of the cart and onto the soft grass, the wind caressing his face as he turned to see Ursus and Dea sitting in the sun with Mojo by their feet. He had been so foolish to think there was something more out there for him when he already had so much. It wasn’t entirely conventional and he knew that from the outside, it may not have looked great, but it was filled with love and care. Surely that was more important to be a happy person, being safe and comforted was better than whatever the rest of the world offered him. He tried to push Hazel from his mind, forgetting that yearning that burned through him last night and sat with his family. Carefully, he slipped his hand into Dea’s, ignoring the sadness and just wanting to go back to normal. Maybe that was the only way to forget about her and stop feeling the way he did, but it would also help to quell their worry for him.

Her hand wrapped around his and a calm settled inside of him. Mojo seemed to settle as well, letting out a little happy bark as he finally saw the two of them together. Ursus looked up from his book and gave Grinpayne a little nod because the status quo had been restored. The sun suddenly didn’t feel so harsh, glowing softly in the sky and beaming down a sense of warmth and his eyes slipped closed. He squeezed Dea’s hand softly, trying to tell her that he wasn’t going to be going away any time, that he was staying here by her side. He couldn’t bring himself to do this to her again and silently vowed to avoid anyone who could affect him this much.

Yet he couldn’t lie to himself completely, there was still a small part of him that was pulled to find what happened to Hazel. His brain wouldn’t let him stop thinking about why she didn’t turn up even though he had no information to go at the moment. Something wasn’t letting him drop this, even though he really thought it was the best move for everyone. He wanted to move on from this, but a small section of his brain continued to whir uncontrollably, looking for an explanation. He rubbed his temple softly with her free hand, trying to stop himself from thinking too much about this, but nothing seemed to be calming him now.

“Grinpayne,” Dea’s voice laced with concern.  
“I’m fine Dea, don’t worry,” he forced out.  
“You don’t sound fine, you’re still thinking about her, aren’t you?”  
“I’m trying not to, but I just can’t understand what went wrong…” he sighed heavily.  
“You’ll never get to know unless you see her again,” she explained softly. “What do you think the reason is?”  
“I don’t know, I just worry that she saw something in me that repulsed her, or that she came to her senses and realised that I’m a monster, that I’m not the person she saw on stage,” he began to ramble.  
“Maybe she got caught up in something else. I know it’s easy to come straight to a negative reaction, but there is a chance she just couldn’t make it last night. You’re not the problem,” she squeezed his hand tightly.  
“You think so?” he asked her, his mind starting to churn with new ideas. “Maybe she did have something else to do.”  
“Exactly, you can’t think that she doesn’t want to see you, maybe she does, but just couldn’t,” her words were comforting him, but making her more worried.  
“You’re right,” the realisation coming across him, “we’ll see tonight, I guess,” his face flexing for a smile.

His mood suddenly shifted drastically to an optimistic anticipation. It seemed like such an obvious solution and he couldn’t believe that he hadn’t thought of it before Dea, but at least now he had something to hold on to, something to settle his mind and stop it from racing so much. The only thing was that now he was worried something had happened to her, but whatever it was, it still meant he had the chance to see her again. That was the only thing that really mattered to him now. He gave Dea’s hand a tight squeeze, settling down next to her in a more comfortable position. While she was holding his hand and acting like she was happy for him to be more comfortable, she was becoming scared that she was going to lose him. She was pulled to comfort him and now her stomach was knotted with sadness. Part of her knew that if he saw Hazel once more, she would lose him forever.

The performance was nearing and the two of them stood behind the stage, waiting for Ursus to return after collecting money from the crowd that had gathered. Both of them were thinking about Hazel and if she was in the audience tonight; Grinpayne filled with a nervous and excited energy, while Dea was mainly filled with worry and concern. If she wasn’t there tonight, there was a chance that Grinpayne would slip into the same kind of depression he was in last night, but that also meant that she could stay by him and help him feel better. If she was here, he would be elated and she loved to see him happy, but she didn’t know where it would leave her if he no longer loved her. His happiness was important to her and seeing him happy would make her happy, but there would always be a sadness that haunted her if she was without him.

Ursus appeared from the crowd and nodded at the two of them, noting the beginning of the performance. After a few moments to gather himself, Ursus walked out on the stage and they were off with the audience sort of paying attention. The performance itself seemed slightly off, there was a nervous energy throughout the show as they all tried to gauge what was going to happen after it. Dea kept an ear out for any changes in Grinpayne’s voice, in case he caught a glimpse of Hazel in the audience. He was a little distracted as he looked for her in the crowd, excited to see her at some point, but also worried that she wouldn’t be here. The final song of the performance gave an impression of wanting it over with, the audience feeling that in his desire to not be with them.

Coming off the stage, he didn’t give anyone a chance to say a word to him before he walked back towards the cart. He was so confident that Hazel would be there, that he would get to see her smiling face that nothing was going to dampen his spirit. The stars were smiling down on him and he smiled back at them, just like they were his good luck charm since they always watched them fall in love. As he drew closer, he could see a figure in the distance, someone stood by it with their hood up and his heart leapt into his throat. It’s beating started to ring through his ears, unable to hear the soft barking coming from Mojo, and the squishing of the soft grass beneath his shoes. It had to be her.

“Hazel?” he called out through the darkness.  
“Grinpayne,” her voice hitched as she turned, as if not expecting him.

He rushed to her and pulled her into a tight hug, but there was a strange sense as he felt her pull back from it ever so slightly. The pure joy of seeing each other seemed to have fallen away; something he had always known was going to happen eventually, but he didn’t think that it wouldn’t happen this quickly. As he broke the hug, he looked at her in the dim light and there was a drastic change in her appearance. Not only did the small amount of colour she had drain from her, but the red patches were worsening. He couldn’t be entirely sure, but there appeared to be a deep purple bruise around her throat. She had already shrunk away from him and his heart was slowly sinking back down and resting in his stomach.

“What’s wrong? Has something happened?”  
“Grinpayne,” she started, her voice already cracking as she looked away from him. “I’m sorry, I think I’ve been too much of a dreamer, I- I thought we could do this, but I can’t… I can’t pull you into my world.”  
“Hazel, stop this, no,” he took hold of her hands. “Whatever is happening in your life, it’s not going to shock me, it’s not going to stop me from wanting to know you, look at my life,” he gestured around him, letting out a harsh chuckle. “Please Hazel, let me in,” he looked in her eyes but her twinkle was missing.  
“I can’t, Grinpayne,” she finally cracked, tears flowing down her cheeks as she snatched her hands away from him. “This was a mistake,” she almost whispered.

Before he even had a chance to react to what she was saying, she had turned and was taking off at a hurried pace. If his heart had the ability to do so, it would have fallen right out of his body. Momentarily, he was stunned into stillness, unable to even process what was happening and just watched her getting smaller into the distance. He felt a warm hand on his shoulder, firmly gripping him.

“Go after her, boy,” Ursus almost ordered him.

In an instant, he was chasing after her. No one in the street seemed to be paying attention to the woman running through, her pace slowing down when she could feel her lungs tightening and screaming for a rest. Her breathing was ragged as she stopped in a shop front, trying to hide the small breakdown she was having, the tears dripping off her cheeks and hitting her coat. Grinpayne made sure to stay back, deciding he was going to see where she was going, why she couldn’t let him into her world. He watched her, wishing he could comfort her, that he could stop whatever was making her feel this way. She was the kindest person he had encountered and she didn’t deserve to feel this way. 

Once she took off once more, he followed behind her at a safe distance so he wouldn’t be spotted. He let her cross the bridge, watching the water dance and reflecting the light to show the dirt and rips in her clothing. After another moment, he followed over the bridge, taking a moment to look over at the flowing water. Keeping his head down, he tried to keep up with her while avoiding the gaze of everyone. As he neared the public house, he tried his best to keep the attention off him, his hand going to his opposite shoulder to cover his bloodied bandage with his arm. The drunkards outside seemed more occupied with their drinks and female company, so he was safe from them. His heart almost stopped as he thought that he had lost her, but caught her disappearing into an over grown garden just out the corner of his eye. 

The garden was once filled with beautiful flowers but now only had weeds and dead leaves. Small stone monuments were covered with ivy vines and almost unrecognisable through the grime and dirt. Her steps were small and delicate, but still hurried and he tried his hardest to follow behind in the same places as to not cause a noise she would hear. The brambles caught onto his clothing causing him to pause before continuing his chase. As he was stopped, he could see the building looming in the distance and without even knowing what it was, a dread filled him inside and he couldn’t understand why. Once he was untangled from the bramble, he looked up to watch her disappear into that building through a door he felt he shouldn’t walk through.

Decisions had never really been his strong point, mainly because Ursus had always made them for him. Ursus had been the person to tell him to go after her, so he knew that he had to follow her, but the door seemed far too daunting for him. As he drew closer to it, something seemed to warn him against this decision and so it was made clear in his mind. Instead, he walked around the outside of the building, getting closer to the front of it and then finally standing at the entrance of it. The carved stone sign above the door simply said ‘Bethlam Lunatics Asylum’. He stepped back, his hand gripping onto his chest as he could feel a pain searing through his mind. The overwhelming feeling of everything hitting him, including the problem of not having a high enough dosage of crimson lethe earlier. 

He stumbled backwards and started to make his way back towards the fair ground. The pain was distracting him from the world around him as his feet took him the way he needed to go. Usually when he was in this pain, he was near something that could help him, either his medicine of a soothing hand to comfort him through it. Right now, he was alone, staggering through the night streets of London as not only did the pain cloud his vision, but his thoughts were also pressing down on him. Hazel had been so scared of him coming into her world and now he’d caught a glimpse of it, there was a chance that he was scared, meaning she was right to step away from him. But he couldn’t help but still want to be here for her, he wanted to understand why she was here.

The jeers from the public house were blanked out of his mind as he tried to come to any kind of conclusion of what was happening in his life in this moment. Hazel was in a place that he assumed was filled with people who had stepped too far away from reality, yet she was grounded and he admired her eloquence. He couldn’t put his head around why she would even be in a place like that which was possibly what was causing the terror of what she could have been hiding. The thoughts were causing an ache to pulse through his head, but it was cut through with the sharp pain coming from his lack of medicine. As one of them stabbed through the mist of Hazel, he got a flash of something from his past; a curved blade glistening as it was held near his face. He had to stop, leaning against a wall as his hand flinched upwards, held in a contorted position by his head, waiting for this pang to fade before moving off through the night once more.

He needed to get back to the cart so he could bring this all together in his mind after the pain was settled. Getting closing to the fair, the pain was still shooting through his body and causing yet another flash of clarity. That night in the woods when his course on life was changed so drastically was becoming a little clearer. His mother’s features were coming into focus through the fog and he could see her soft features twisted into panic as she realised what was going to happen to her sweet child. A bolt of sadness shot through his heart as his memory of her falling to the ground swam around his mind. His hand reached out, grasping onto a post on the street, the coldness distracting him from the memories as it sent a shock through his skin. But he shuffled onwards, not allowing these moments to stop him from getting back to his family he had now. The cart was finally in his view, the desire to be there making him move quicker, eventually opening the door and almost instantly falling onto his bed.


	6. We Emerged From Tragedy

Hazel awoke with her pillow damp and her book clamped in her hand. Last night seemed like a distant memory, something she was trying to push from her mind as much as possible so she could just move on with her life. The pull that she felt for Grinpayne had been so impulsive, acting without really thinking, which was what her mother would always tell her was something that was going to pull her to ruin. That was why she knew that she couldn’t do this with him, she was a silly girl with dreams of a silly girl who was never going to get better if she continued to act the way she did. She had to think with her head, her logical brain, if she was going to be the member of society her family had always expected out of her. Slowly rising from the bed, she wiped her eyes and placed the book onto her pillow. Her brother was the reason to get better and the book gave her the motivation to finally sit up straight and simply await her medicine for the day.

The nurse came into her room with less intrusiveness than she usually did, holding a small tray and placing it on the bed next to her. The injection was done first, but with a strange softness, something that caused her eyebrow to rise slowly. The nurse offered the small metal tin of pills to her and let her take them of her own accord, instead of shoving them down her throat and the glass of water was offered instead of jammed into her hand. For once, her head wasn’t grabbed to make sure she had taken the pills and she was honestly becoming concerned that there was terrible news coming next. She was offered a smile from the nurse and then the nurse held out a piece of paper, one folded and place in an envelope with her name written on it.

“What’s this?” Hazel asked confused.  
“A gentleman left it for you this morning,” she gave it to her with a small smile.  
“Do you know who he was?” she asked, taking it cautiously.  
“I haven’t seen him before, but he seemed kind enough,” she said gathering her things. “I’ll give you some privacy,” she said before backing out of the room.

Hazel held the letter in her hand for a moment, trying to figure out who it could have been, but reality sinking in that it had probably been Grinpayne. She chewed her bottom lip as she considered what could be inside of it, and if she should even read it. If she opened the letter, whatever was inside of it would pick her path for the foreseeable future and she didn’t know if she could give him that much power over her own destiny. Her logical brain told her to ignore it, to burn it, to do whatever it took to never see it again because no matter what it said, it wouldn’t help her become normal. Her heart begged to read it, to find out what he wanted to tell her, even it was bad news, it wanted to know all the things that he had to say to her. In a moment of impulse, she opened the envelope and already her body started to shake slightly. She swallowed harshly, and finally focused more on the letter, beginning to actually read the words.

_Hazel,_  
I’m sorry. After you told me you couldn’t pull me into your world, I followed you here. If this angers you, I’m more than sorry. I needed to find out why you didn’t want me in your life. It doesn’t scare me. If you think that this asylum is going to scare me off, you’re mistaken. The person I’ve seen is kind and honest, she’s someone who would never let a lonely person stay alone. That’s why I can’t leave you to be in this place on your own with no one to care for you. No matter what you have to say, it’s not going to scare me, it’s not going to make me run from you. My face didn’t make you run, so why should this make me run? I hope you get this letter and I hope that you come to realise that I still want to see you. Tonight would be nice, but now I understand why it’s hard for you to see me, sneaking out of there must take a lot of skill. You spoke to me for a reason and I believe that reason is for us to have found each other.  
Love,  
Grinpayne. 

Small droplets started to roll down her cheeks and fall down onto the paper, causing a little bleeding of the ink. The words that he had written down had hit that particular spot that had made her want to speak to him the first time she saw him. She knew that she had to see him again, she couldn’t let him write such a heartfelt letter and not see him again. The new problem that arose was that this was going against everything she had been told would make her better. Her desire for love and adventure was getting her into trouble and meaning that she wasn’t going to marry a man that she was supposed to, nor was she going to settle down and start a family. Carefully folding the letter back up, she slipped it into the envelope and placed it inside her book. Her brother encouraged her explore and to carry on with her adventuring, and that was what she was going to do.

The performance was nearing and Grinpayne could feel the nerves coming back once more, not for the performance itself, but to find out the result of his letter to Hazel. There was a tension in the cart that everyone could feel, even Mojo. He watched as Dea slowly stretched a hand to find the wolf’s snout and stroked him softly, her lips turning up into a smile. He could still see a small tinge of sadness across her eyes, feeling as though she would lose Grinpayne to Hazel. He suppressed a sigh in his throat, watching Ursus buried in his book as his usual technique to avoid talking to them. While he was a caring man, he had a habit of doing everything he could to not talk about emotions or fix the problems in the cart. Instead, he would ignore them or tell them to stop questioning the matter.

Ursus fascinated him and he was beginning to wonder if it was an admiration that he had for him, or pity that he couldn’t express emotion that well. Last night, he had been there to help Grinpayne make his decisions, the two of them coming to the conclusion of the letter being the best solution to let Hazel know that he cared. An idea with that much care and attention came from a man who knew how to let people know how they felt, but he was someone who refused to let people in. The reason he seemed to be so against Hazel coming into this world was that it brought out new emotions, emotions that most people in the cart seemed uncomfortable with, but Grinpayne wanted to explore them, he wanted to know how they would really feel no matter the outcome. He wanted to be allowed to go on this adventure without people whispering in his ear to come home.

“Do you think she’ll reply?” Dea finally broke the silence but not the tension.  
“I hope so, but we’ll see tonight,” Grinpayne replied.  
“We’ll just deal with the outcome, we shouldn’t think about it too much,” Ursus advised them, looking up from his book.  
“I guess, but I’m still excited to see what happens tonight.”  
“I know you are boy, but don’t get too excited, you don’t want to get hurt again,” he warned.  
“Father is right, you need to be careful,” Dea’s worry coming through again.  
“Why be careful? I want to feel everything that I can, why should I shy away from this?”  
“To stop your heart from being broken, boy,” he barked.

Ursus’s sudden exclamation stopped everyone in their tracks for a moment. He wasn’t usually one for an outburst of emotion, but when he finally did, it was when he was at the end of his tether. It as coming from a place of caring, but it didn’t stop Grinpayne from feeling like Ursus wasn’t even listening to him right now. He knew the heartbreak was painful and there were men that were sent insane because of it, but he was throwing caution to the wind and if heartbreak was what he got in return, then he was willing to feel that. Maybe it was childish, but he felt that even though it was a negative feeling, he wanted the opportunity to feel it, like a person who lit a fire and if the outcome was pain, they were still happy to see the beauty of the flame. Ursus didn’t seem to grasp that concept of wanting more, of seeing everything that the world had to offer him. Grinpayne felt a twinge in his head, biting his lip to stop himself from saying something he would regret.

The pain burst through him in a wave, coursing through his body as his muscles started to stiffen. A small gasp escaped through his mouth as his body contorting; his toes turning inwards, his hand moving up to beside his head as his fingers twitched, his lungs felt tight as his other hand grasped his chest. In the haze of pain, he could see a figure, dressed all in black and inching closer to him with a grim feeling pulling at him. Dull footsteps echoed from outside of the memory, but he felt as if he was getting closer to seeing the face of the man who had cut him. Before the fog could lift around the memory, the warm hands of Dea set around his shoulders gingerly, and brought the bottle of crimson lethe to where his lips should be. As the liquid flowed into his mouth, the entire memory disappeared back behind the haze and while the pain was now gone, the pain of not knowing was gripping his heart.

“Shouldn’t you be getting the audience ready?” Grinpayne almost spat at Ursus.

Dea looked to Grinpayne’s direction in shock, she couldn’t believe that she had spoken to him in that way, she’d never heard him take that tone. There was a moment of silence before Ursus stomped through the cart and slammed the door behind him. Grinpayne finally let his held in sigh out as he looked into his hands. He could tell that Dea was confused by this whole situation and he wished that he could explain to her, but there didn’t seem to a way to show her how this situation was affecting him. Even though she couldn’t see him, he was still trying to avoid her gaze, not wanting to talk about this even further because all it seemed to cause was upset. He decided against giving Dea a reassuring hand squeeze, simply because he knew that was going to start a conversation he didn’t want to have.

“What’s gotten into you?” Dea’s voice had a sad tone.  
“What does that mean?”  
“Ursus is trying to help you, he wants you to be happy.”  
“Neither of you seem to grasp that spending time with Hazel makes me happy.”  
“But what if it ends in disaster?”  
“Look around Dea, we’re already in a disaster, this isn’t exactly an easy life.”  
“So our love is a disaster?”  
“You know that’s not what I meant,” he sighed as he ran a hand through his hair. “But running around, performing for strangers, barely making a wage, it’s not entirely fulfilling.”  
“I didn’t know this bored you so,” she said bitterly.  
“Dea, you’re not listening.”  
“No, I can definitely hear what you’re saying,” she stood, holding out her hand. “Mojo, come on,” she said, leaving the cart.

Mojo gave Grinpayne a small whimper as he followed Dea out, of course torn apart by the fighting that was ripping through the cart. Before he was out of reach, Grinpayne gave him a small pet and then let him take Dea towards the stage. Maybe he should think about not seeing Hazel any more since it was now the reason they were falling apart. Yet, he knew that he couldn’t walk away from this. Why had Ursus even helped him to get Hazel’s attention if he didn’t want him to spend time with her? He couldn’t understand why his happiness had such a cost on his relationships. He knew that nothing was easy in this life, he more than most, but he didn’t know that his happiness was going to come at such a cost to his family. Losing Dea and Ursus had always terrified him, but now he had the added worry of losing Hazel as well. Nerves were finally setting in of whether or not she was even going to show up this night, but he was quietly optimistic she would show.

With only seconds to spare, Grinpayne appeared at the stage and ready to go on. Both Ursus and Dea avoided looking his way, avoiding any kind of interaction with him in this moment, but at least Mojo still nudged his leg encouragingly. The performance started, and Grinpayne could feel himself settling, waiting for his first cue and then bursting into life. While Ursus and Dea seemed to still be a little distracted by earlier, he was in the moment, performing with a precision that perhaps had lacked in previous performances. Something had brought him into focus, and he wasn’t concentrating on what was going to happen after or what had happened before. Not once did he look up to see whether or not Hazel was in the crowd, not that it would have distracted him too much because he still had a good feeling that he was going to see her once the performance was over.

Coming off the stage after his reveal, he could feel his heart pounding loudly as the rush to see Hazel hit him in an instant. He let the others go ahead first, avoiding him once more so they couldn’t talk about these things over and over again. His plan also was that if he took his time in getting there, she might be there by the time that he arrived back to the cart so she wouldn’t have to talk to Ursus or Dea. As he walked, he kept his eyes on his feet, kicking at the dirt as he made his way to their meeting point. There was a certain feeling that he wouldn’t be able to explain, but it was nerves starting to cause his hands to shake, but also excitement putting the spring in his step. The feeling was so overwhelming that it wasn’t even cut away when he saw that Hazel wasn’t there because he was still confident.

A minute passed by and he may have been deflating ever so slightly as he started to move from foot to foot on the spot. His eyes looked down slightly, trying to focus on something else for a moment so the time would start to move faster so every second didn’t take an eternity, catching a small moth on the grass. He followed it’s flight from the grass, floating in a small zigzag pattern and rising up slowly until he came to fly in front of Hazel. He felt his heart leaping into his throat as he saw her eyes lighting up with that joy he had never seen in another person. He seemed stuck to the spot, but it didn’t matter as she bounded towards him and brought him into a tight hug, his arms sliding around her to bring closer, nuzzling her neck softly.

“I’m sorry Grinpayne, I’m so sorry for last night,” she said, refusing to let go of him.  
“It’s okay, honestly,” he slowly pulled back from the hug.  
“I have a lot to explain, I know, I just didn’t want to burden you with all of this sorrow,” her voice already cracking.  
“I emerged from tragedy, there’s a chance I could even help you with my experience,” he held onto her shoulders.  
“Your kindness never ends, does it?” she smiled even though her eyes were filling with tears.  
“Why would it? You’ve been nothing but kind to me.”  
“Grinpayne, I disappeared with no explanation, I abandoned you when you only showed your care,” she wiped the small tears away.  
“But you came back, that’s what matters,” he took her hand.  
“Your letter… I couldn’t ignore it, the reason I spoke to you was the pull I felt and it was something that happened at the asylum… it scared me…” she paused, looking away from him. “I didn’t think that it was a good idea to bring into these things that were happening… I couldn’t unload my problems onto you.”  
“Everyone comes with their issues, no matter whose life you wonder into, you will both have things that you think will scare the other away. But look at my life, I’m not scared by yours,” he held onto her other hand.  
“I know that now,” she smiled, squeezing his hands. “I’m sorry I ran from you,” she pulled him into another quick hug. “I don’t know how much of it I can tell you…” she trailed off and looked away.  
“All of it, any of it, none of it,” he leaned down to catch her eyes.  
“Grinpayne,” she said breathlessly as she caught his eyes, softening her instantly. “My parents sent me there because they think that I haven’t done my duty as a daughter,” her voice wavering. “I’ve spent my life day dreaming and exploring and that doesn’t sit well with them. They think I should be married with children, but I don’t want to, I want to see the world,” the wonder in her eyes glistening. “Societal stresses have sent me into a spiral, and being in the asylum has made it worse. These,” she pulled her sleeves up, revealing the scratch marks and red rashes, “are all by my own hand, I’m losing my sanity in there, I’m losing my identity…” she trailed off, losing the confidence in what she was saying, thinking she sounded like an idiot.  
“Is that why you started sneaking out?”  
“One of the patients showed me the way out, we used to sneak out and watch sunsets. Sometimes we would even go to public house and sneak some gin. He was such a kind man, I do miss him terribly…”  
“What happened to him?” he tried to hide his sudden jealousy.  
“He died a week ago, his daughter didn’t even collect his body,” she sighed angrily. “He was the father I wished I could have had.”  
“Sometimes the best family you can have is the one you’ve chosen,” he smiled softly.

While the two of them wished they could stay with each other throughout the night, the universe had a different plan for them as the clock tower bell chimed. Hazel looked at the tower and scowled, wishing that time didn’t get to determine how she lived her life. This had been the only time she’d opened up to someone to this extent, even her brother had never seen her this naked before. She didn’t know what to say to him because there was nothing she wanted say in this moment apart from that she should stay here with him. That was a ridiculous notion because she couldn’t expect that of him and she didn’t, in fact she felt that he would almost definitely say not. But as she went to hug him goodbye, he simply held out his hand and she took it with a nervous smile.

Without another word, her was walking with her down the road towards the asylum and she could feel her heart soaring. It was almost as if her problems were just melting away and there was something that Grinpayne, her brother, and herself could do about this situation. The hopelessness and despair she had felt during that night alone in her room was dispersing and being replaced with the idea that life was worth fighting for and it was even worth sharing with someone new. There was something that felt so natural about being hand in hand with Grinpayne as they walked down the street, people casting confused glances at them. The two of them of course looked strange together; a man in tatty clothes, a mop of messy brown hair, and the bloody bandage covering his wound, and a woman who looked quite refined in the way she walked and carried herself, but her fine clothing dirtied, her face pale, and her hair a completely mess. For once, she didn’t care about anything else around her, simply just holding Grinpayne’s hand.

Nearing the public house, Hazel looked to check who was outside drinking in the street before looking back at Grinpayne. The tempers of the drunk could be cruel and very bad tempered if measured wrong, the exact type of people that could turn this sweet evening into something crushing. Since sneaking out on her own, she had sometimes crossed the road to avoid the drunkards, and sometimes putting up her hood was good enough to make them leave her alone. Grinpayne’s bloodied bandage and strange appearance meant they had more to cling onto to start the jeering. But a familiar face started to make her feel a little more comfortable, at least she could try and use him to get some order if people tried to shout at them. A hearty laugh came from the crowd and the mocking started until they were interrupted.

“Dinnae ma raise yoo right?” the low Scottish voice boomed. “He gits enuff of it at tha freak show, donae he?”   
“I s’pose,” a lone voice said over the mumbles of embarrassment.  
“Hoo’s it goonae at tha nut hoose?” he asked Hazel with a little wink.  
“Well, I’m still sneaking out, so it’s not all that bad,” she grinned brightly. “Thanks for that, Osric.”  
“Any time, girlie,” he gave her a playful pat on the shoulder.

Hazel gripped Grinpayne’s hand a little tighter as they carried on down the road, smiling at him as she explained that she knew him from the times she would drink in that particular establishment. There was no way to avoid it, but he did feel another pang of jealousy, partly because they seemed so friendly, but also because Osric had got to spend more time with her. It was childish and absolutely ridiculous to feel this way, but there wasn’t away to stop it, apart from to spend as much time as possible with her. He pulled her a little closer as they started across the bridge, her head falling softly onto his shoulder. Something about this bridge had always brought her a feeling of calm contentment and being with Grinpayne seemed to add just a little more goodness to her soul.

They entered the overgrown garden and they both dreaded what was going to come next. She looked up to him and smiled sadly, thinking if she should say something or simply walk away from him with a hug, neither seemed to be the right choice. His fingers carefully tangled into hers, watching the way that their hands seemed to fit together before looking back up at her. The gas lamp glow around them was dim and they could barely see each other, but in the silence of the night, their nervous breath could be heard. They were like lovesick teenagers, feeling out how far they could go without over stepping their boundaries. She carefully stood up on her tiptoes and placed a gentle kiss on his cheek, just above his bandage. As she tried to turn, he pulled her back in, leaning in and dipping down to place a soft kiss upon her lips. Brief and sweet, the two of them just stayed in the moment as he placed his forehead against hers. 

They could feel the release of finally being able to show each other how they felt at this particular moment, like a wave had finally waved over them. Neither wanted to walk away from the other, but they knew that they had to otherwise other problems would arise. She started to walk away, but her fingers still gripped onto him, wishing with all her heart she could take him with her. Instead of letting go, he followed her towards the back entrance to the asylum. He knew that he couldn’t go with her, that was a fantasy in this moment, but it didn’t stop his heart from yearning for it. As they neared the door together, they finally let their hands drift away from each other before she disappeared behind that dreaded door.


	7. A Much Bigger Price

The morning sun streamed through the small window of the cart and Grinpayne was already awake, a small smile dancing on his face as last night still played on his mind. When he arrived back last night, everyone was already asleep and so he slipped in quietly and curled up to be left alone with his thoughts. Something told him that he couldn’t share how last night went, the feeling that both Ursus and Dea would find some way to pick it all apart and make him feel some kind of sorrow. Instead, he would keep this sweetness to himself and use to get him through the days to come, maybe even beyond that. He placed his hands behind his head, looking up at the ceiling as his feet tapped the air with the excitement flowing through him. Perhaps one day he could speak to them more openly without them jumping to a judgement and he hoped that day would come soon.

Mojo stirred at the foot of his bed and started to stretch out a little before padding softly over to the head of his bed, his chin resting on the edge of the bed. No matter his mood, Mojo could always lift it, and he slid his hand out from under him and scratched the wolf just behind his ear. Mojo had always been very intuitive to what was happening in the cart and the current tensions had upset him, and his current injury wasn’t helping with his comfort levels. He nuzzled into Grinpayne a little more, getting closer to him before giving him a little friendly lick on the side of his face. Playfully, he patted him away and cursed the wolf before sitting up on the bed and grabbing his face, scratching his chin and placing his nose upon his. Maybe this was a sign that things were going to be a little easier going forward.

“Didn’t hear you come in last night,” Ursus grumbled sleepily from his bed.  
“Oh, I walked Hazel back, that’s all,” he explained simply.  
“So, you’re serious about spending more time with her?”  
“I am,” he said a little dreamily.  
“I hope you know what you’re getting yourself in for,” he got out of bed.  
“I think I do, and she knows what she’s in for as well,” he continued to stroke Mojo softly.  
“I can’t stop you from following your heart, but sometimes it leads you the wrong way,” he put on his boots.  
“Maybe so, but sometimes it takes you the right way,” he couldn’t stop the wistful tone in his voice.  
“Just know what you’re getting into, boy,” he got up and slipped his coat on.  
“Where are you going?”  
“Get some food, unless you wanna go hungry,” he snorted.  
“Definitely not, just be sure to get the good bread,” he quipped.

With a little huff and a grumble, Ursus disappeared out of the door to get the food to help sustain them for just a little longer. His eyes finally fell on the sleeping Dea and that uncomfortable weigh pulled in his stomach once more. There was no doubt that this was a kind of guilt pulling at him but a voice was still telling him that he had no reason to feel this guilty for following his heart. He wasn’t abandoning her, he still loved her, but this new love has made him realise that it’s just a different type of love and there’s no way he should be made to feel bad for the way that he felt; emotions changed and were hard to control. Maybe there was something that would change in Dea as well through this whole experience and that’s what he was starting to hope for. He was thinking that he needed to talk to her, but without becoming defensive, they needed to be open but stay level headed with each other.

He flinched back slightly as he watched her stir from her slumber and he could feel his heart starting to pound, but it was with horrible nerves. Telling her how he felt was important because he wanted her to know how much he cared for her and how much he loved her, but she needed to know that this was what he wanted to do now. Hazel had opened his eyes to this new world, this adventure that he wanted to have and she was the one he wanted to do it with. He fiddled uncomfortably with hands as he waited for her to be a little more awake before he started this conversation with her. With Ursus out of the tent, there was a chance that they were going to get to have a better conversation without the confrontation. Glancing at Mojo, he felt a little more encouragement from the small nuzzle and the gentle pushing into Dea’s directions. He was going to do this.

“Morning,” he said softly.  
“Oh, morning,” she said sleepily.  
“Did you sleep well?”  
“I think I would have slept better if I knew where you were last night…”  
“Sorry, I walked Hazel home,” unsure if he should tell her the full the truth.  
“At least you had fun last night,” she sounded sullen.  
“Last night brought me some clarity, as well.”   
“What do you mean, Grinpayne?”  
“Dea,” he sat beside her, placing his hand on her knee. “I love you, but I also love Hazel. The love I feel for you is as strong as ever, if not more so, but it’s not the love great lovers share. It’s an unbreakable bond.”  
“Grinpayne,” she brushed his hand away, standing up and moving away from him. “I don’t want to hear this,” she held back tears.  
“But you have to,” he stood behind her, putting a hand on her shoulder. “I want to look after you, care for you, and to be here no matter what. You’re so important to me. I’ve just realised that this isn’t a romantic love…” he trailed off as he felt her pull away.  
“As long as you’re happy, I’m happy,” she nodded unconvincingly.  
“You’re not happy… I wish I could make you understand this,” he let out a frustrated sigh. “If I could take you into the world, so you could experience life outside of this cart, maybe you would understand.”  
“I don’t need the world outside, I have you, father, Mojo… That’s all we need,” she turned to face him.  
“How can we live if we never adventure beyond this? That’s life in a prison. We pity a bird in a cage, why not a man who never walks?” he grabbed her hand, leading her towards the door.  
“We can’t Grinpayne… we’ll be in so much trouble if we do.”  
“So what?” he snorted. “Let’s live our lives,” he grabbed her other hand, almost begging her now.  
“But Ursus…”  
“We’ll leave him a note.”  
“He’ll be upset we went out.”  
“Then let him be. Come on Dea, let’s live.”

It was hard to say no to Grinpayne sometimes and this was definitely one of the times she had to give into him. For a moment, she lost him as he pulled away from her to write a short note for Ursus, but his hands came back to hers as they finally left the tent before telling Mojo to stay behind. Holding her hand a little tighter, he took her out of the cart and walked through the fair. During the day, it was filled with families, the lower classes on their lunch breaks trying to bring a little joy to their dark days and the middle classes simply getting a look at those below them. The whole fair created a cloud of smell throughout the whole place; burning wood, cigar smoke, sweat, stale beer, and a small hint of sugar. There was a buzz of activity as people bustled around, which made her move a little closer to him, simply to stay out of the way a little more. A rush of nervous excitement was rushing through her, not only because they were doing something brand new, but also the fact they were going against the rules.

The bearded lady approached with a smile plastered across her face, taking Dea’s free hand to pull her away from Grinpayne. She didn’t want to let go, but he let go of her hand and ushered her away. The lady asked for a dance from Dea and the two of them started to skip around, waving their hands in the air and a bright, almost childlike smile spread onto Dea’s face, giggling happily as she finally let go. The bearded lady thanked the beautiful woman for the dance and gave her a small bow. A small red glow spread across her cheeks as she felt the air for Grinpayne, the two of them finally found each other and moved off, hearing the happy chatter around them. The outside world didn’t seem as scary as she had always imagined it to be, so maybe this whole exploring idea wasn’t such a bad idea.

The roar of a crowd exploded through the air as there was a sudden smell of ethanol and a feeling of heat. Grinpayne’s small noise of awe made her think that something impressive had happened, but she couldn’t tell what it was from his reaction. She had missed out on a large ball of fire erupting from a man’s mouth, making him look like a mythical being, but even more impressive was when he slowly slipped the flaming torch into his mouth and extinguished the flame. A round of applause started and Dea felt the sadness sitting in the pit of her stomach, realising she would never get to experience this world in the same way everyone else would. She would never get to see the bright colours and the way that the moon glowed in the darkness, she would never get to see the look in Grinpayne’s eyes when he was happy. She gripped his hand a little tighter and she drew herself into him as he cheered the fire eater. Maybe the next thing they experience would be a little better for them.

“Aye-up, it’s tha grinning man!” the familiar Scottish voice boomed. “No Hazel today?”  
“No- uh, I think she’s pretty busy,” Grinpayne replied nervously.  
“Oh aye,” he looked to Dea, getting the hint, “she’s a hard worker, that one,” he winked.  
“You know Hazel as well?” Dea enquired.  
“She’s a hard drinker ance she’s stopped aw tha’ working,” he laughed.  
“Oh, right,” she forced a laugh. “Is she a good person, would you say?”  
“I-” he paused, looking to Grinpayne with a little confusion, “guess? She is nae sinner, boot she is nae innocent lamb.”  
“But on the whole she’s good,” he tried to encourage a more positive response out of Osric.  
“Of course, aye, she’s a gud egg,” he flashed a toothy grin.  
“Exactly, and that’s important,” Grinpayne added quickly.  
“Right, well, I got te get aff, the sword swallower is gettin’ in a flap,” he took a step to leave but then came back. “Take this, ya knoo, ta cover oop,” he handed him his scarf and then went off.

Grinpayne took the scarf, trying to think what he was hinting to before it finally hit him. Last night when he passed the public house, there had been a little bit of conflict that was only dissolved because of Osric, and it was because they wanted to mock his wound. He simply wrapped the scarf around his mouth and chin, trying to make it look more natural than trying to cover something. He took Dea’s hand once more and the two of them walked around the fair, keeping their attention up as they tried to find something else to experience. But it seemed like there wasn’t a lot left and so he started to guide her out of the fair and onto the streets of London. He didn’t really know that much of London, in fact, he knew none of it but the roads he had taken with Hazel.

The streets were busy with a lot of people bustling around and selling their wares. The smell of freshly baked bread and savoury pies filled the air and they both could feel their stomachs growling for the fresh food on the streets. They braved onwards with empty stomachs while they took in the atmosphere around them. It was interesting to see that they were able to walk through all of this as and feel a part of something bigger and yet also be completely separated from everyone else, able to simply stay with each other. Everything around them was different and brand new but was letting them into those new experiences he was pushing for them to experience. He started to guide her towards the road that he had travelled on the night previously, the savoury smells becoming sweeter as they neared the bakery, a small child outside ringing a bell to draw people in. Dea’s curiosity made her ask him what was happening and he explained, wondering if they could try and sneak some cake despite having no money on them. 

A small whiff of roses came over and a young gentleman produced a small bunch of pale lavender roses in front of Dea. Her confusion over what was happening made him cough to make his presence known and the two of them started to engage with him. He was obviously besotted, over complimenting every aspect of her appearance and trying to make her take the roses, the colour representing love at first sight and enchantment. This must have been a common past time for him, simply walking the streets and trying his hardest to court women he didn’t know. Grinpayne could feel a need to protect her, not the same jealous feeling he had last night, this was more to make sure she wasn’t hurt. It didn’t help that this man unsettled him, there seemed to be something that was telling him there was nothing genuine about this interaction. Before Dea could get sucked into to his silky words, he started to pull her away from him. The man protested, but Grinpayne was still able to get her away from him and they continued on their outdoors adventure.

Without realising, they had arrived at the same bridge that he had walked over with Hazel. All the emotions seemed to flood back a lot harder than he had imagined they would. It didn’t overwhelm him, but it just settled over him, giving him this pleasant warm feeling running through his body. The comfort he felt around Hazel was something that he’d never really felt before, and the love he was feeling could make his heart soar. As he looked over at Dea, clarity seemed to come into his mind as to what he was supposed to do with his life now. He knew that there was going to be resistance to his change, to the things that he wanted to happen, but he wasn’t going to give up on getting what he wanted. He looked over and gave her a small smile, happy to see the shine coming back to her smile. They were both finally feeling the joy of stretching their legs after being hunched up for ages, and the release made them never want to go back inside again. 

The bridge was a little busier than when he’d been here before, but of course that was because there weren’t many people around in the dead of night. Something about the way that everything felt right now made him very much appreciate the feel of the empty bridge a little bit more. There was a stillness and quiet that made things feel more enjoyable at night, a beauty that seemed to have more time to settle and fall over you. If you took a moment to pause here, you would get pushed out of the way and possibly end up in the water as well if you weren’t careful. He took a moment to bring her in a little closer, just in case there was anyone around he wanted to rush passed them. A strong waft of roses came towards them and he hoped that it wasn’t the same man from earlier. Although clearly a refined gentleman like the other, this man was smaller, almost dainty, and the roses in his hand were pale pink, almost white. The gentleman weaved through the crowd and Grinpayne couldn’t help but notice he walked straight into the asylum.

“I’m here to see Hazel Stevenson,” he said to the nurse at the small desk.  
“Give me a moment,” the nurse was cold.

The man watched as the woman disappeared back into the patients’ area and he started to try and straighten himself up a little, trying to look less like he had rushed here. He couldn’t wait to see his little sister and finally reply to her letter in person as he was growing tired of not seeing her. It may have upset him to see her in a place like this, but not seeing her was beginning to affect him even more. After a few moments, she returned and unlocked the door to allow him into the hospital and took him to Hazel’s room. He followed her around the corridor, a little bit nervous considering sometimes there were people here who would attack anyone that they didn’t like the look of. The nurse opened the door to Hazel’s room and almost pushed him into the room before shutting the door and locked it behind them. Once Hazel had realised what was happening and jumped to her feet and bounded across the room and brought him into a tight hug. His arms slipped around her, taking her in and already feeling his heart sink as he noted her loss in weight and the decline in her general appearance. They both pulled back from the hug and just watched each other for a moment, making sure that this was real. He placed the pink roses on the table beside her bed, a small token, not only of love, but also to aid her healing and encourage good health.

“George, I’m so glad you came,” she smiled softly.  
“I had to see you,” he held her hands.  
“I have missed you terribly,” she led him to the bed to sit down. “Is there any news you bring?”  
“Not a lot,” he adjusted his coat slightly before sitting down. “Obviously, mother and father have asked me to find out if you’re willing to marry yet.”  
“It’s possible I am, just not the person they wish me to,” she couldn’t stop the smile from growing.  
“Hazel, my dear sister, what have you been doing here?”  
“Not in here, but out there,” she took his hand and lowered her tone, “I’ve been sneaking out whenever possible and out there I have met the most beautiful soul. He is filled with the lightness of a kind soul, but also the darkness of someone who has experienced the cruelty of the world. Every time I see him, my heart soars…” she trailed off wistfully.  
“I know it’s easy for you to fall for a stranger, especially when you cannot find the kindness of anyone else, so I implore you to be careful.”  
“Are you trying to say that I only care for him because his kindness is the first I’ve experience in so long?”  
“It is a possibility, I’m not saying it’s an absolute and that is why I need you to guard your heart at least a little bit. Does he even know your current situation?”  
“He does, in fact he walked me back from the fair last night.”  
“You met him at the fair? Is he a performer there?”  
“Yes, he performs a piece that tells his story through puppets with his family, it’s just breathtaking. You really must see it Georgie!”  
“Perhaps tonight, and you could sneak out and watch it with me,” he chuckled.  
“I will have to wait and see, last night was close and I don’t want to draw too much suspicion to myself,” she sighed softly.  
“I guess I will have to tell them that you’ll be staying in here for a bit longer,” he said sadly.  
“Yes,” she finally realised how Grinpayne’s love was going to come at a bigger price. “You know that I could never marry someone I never loved, no matter how long I am in here for. It may sound like silly dreaming, but I just can’t do it.”  
“It is silly dreaming,” he took her hands, “but that’s why I love you. I have tried to convince them to let you out, but they will not listen to reason.”  
“They never will, conforming to their ideals is more important to them than my happiness… They don’t seem to understand how bad this place is, they don’t see the brutality of every day in here,” her hand instinctively went to her throat.  
“What happened to you? Did someone hurt you?”  
“Please George, I don’t want to add to your worry.”  
“Hazel, I need to know if you’re in danger here, maybe I can find a way to get you out of here, maybe they’ll see this is the wrong thing.”  
“They know all about what happens here. The public viewings, the violence, the drugs, the harsh treatment, they’re using it to make me compliant, they know that this place isn’t making me well, it’s breaking me down,” she sighed heavily. She loved her brother, but he always tried to see the good in their parents despite their behaviour towards her.  
“I… I never knew,” all the life seemed to be sucked out of him.  
“I know,” she put her arm around his shoulder. “I didn’t want you to know either, you’re relationship with father is so important to you…” she looked away from him.  
“You can’t protect me if it causes harm to you, yes, I treasure our father, but if he’s the one responsible for your harm, then I can’t let my admiration of him stop me from telling him that this is wrong. You are their daughter, they are supposed to care for you, they should know that this treatment is making you worse. I’m going to talk to them.”  
“Georgie, you don’t have to, you’ll make things more difficult for yourself. I can do this, I can get out of here on my own, I will figure something out, even if it is just leaving.”  
“Hazel, you can’t just walk away from you life, you’ll be disgraced, please, let me speak to them first before you formulate a plan to break free.”  
“I can’t promise anything,” she flashed him a cheeky smile.  
“I’m being serious Hazel, let me talk to them first, let me try and convince them to let you get out of here before you do anything drastic.”  
“Okay, okay, I will, I promise,” she gave in; she simply just wanted to make her brother happy.  
“Good,” he smiled softly.  
“Enough about me! Tell me what’s going on in your affairs. How did things go with Elizabeth?”  
“Oh, you don’t want to hear about that.”  
“It went that badly?”  
“All she wanted to discuss were socialites and the royal family affairs. I’m not exactly excited to hear that Lord David Dirry-Moir and Duchess Josiana were spotted in Covent Terrace. I want to talk to someone who has dreams and desires, who wants to experience the world, someone who wants to go to a play and then spend the rest of the night drinking wine and dancing in a fountain.”  
“And a girl who doesn’t go doe eyed just because you’re a handsome young man.”  
“Well,” he chuckled, “that would also be nice. When she asked me for another date, I was flummoxed since it wasn’t exactly an enjoyable evening. I can only assume she wanted that second date for that reason,” he sighed sadly.  
“You never know, maybe she’s the kind of woman who enjoys talking at a man for the entire night.”  
“She doesn’t even know who Keats is, and she didn’t have an interest in hearing any of his poetry. She said that she didn’t have time to waste on reading… how am I supposed to build a meaningful relationship with someone who doesn’t want to broaden their horizons?”  
“You’ll find someone, Georgie, maybe you’re just looking in the wrong places. Most of the people in our family’s social circle aren’t very interested in the world beyond their noses. But there’s a whole world of people out there, and those are the people you need to find.”

He knew that she was right, but he was constantly torn between doing what would make him happy and what his parents expecting him to do. They wanted him to marry a good woman who could provide the grandchildren they desired instead of looking for a woman who matched his intellect and excited him. Hazel’s need for living her dream had landed her in this place and so maybe there was a fear inside of him as well. He wished he had her courage but there was a small part of him that wished he could make her see she needed to comply to get out of here and have an actual life to live. There was no way he would ever be able to do that and spending time with her today was confirming that thought. They continued to talk at length about the institute of marriage and that the two had to choose between duty to their parents or love and Hazel was adamant love was her true path. He agreed, but the admiration and fear of their parents would always bring him back to the decision he had to marry someone soon, even if they were wrong for him.

The time passed quickly and so it wasn’t long before there was a knock at the door and one of the nurses simply walked in to order him out. They just about had enough time for an embrace before he was pulled away from her once more and taken to the door he entered through. Leaving her behind seemed like the last thing he should be doing right now, worried about what could happen to her while he wasn’t there, but he could at least know that she had some comforts to hold onto. She had mentioned Grinpayne a few times while they discussed some of the suitors their parents had once tried to set her up with, comparing this strange creature in a way that made him sound kind, heartfelt, intelligent, and beautiful. A small part of him believed that she was being blinded by her desire for a different life, that she had latched onto something so completely different from the world she currently knew to distance herself from it. That didn’t matter, he still had to witness this for himself and try and speak with this man.

Trafalgar Faire wasn’t a place for someone as nervous as George, but he still tried to keep his mind on the task. The bright lights and loud noises overwhelmed him slightly, but he marched on, one hand pulling his coat tightly around him while the other shielded his eyes slightly. Chatter started to come through the crowd and he overheard one person mentioning puppets and so he assumed he was in the right place. As a scruffy man walked through them with a bag held open, he placed a note inside of it which was met with a wide eyed grin before the man carried on collecting. Soon, that man was on stage with a booming voice to open the show and introduce what would be happening next. The flash that he got of Grinpayne piqued his curiosity and he started to watch the show intently.

While he was engaged with the story, there was a small niggle of confusion at whether or not Dea was really his lover or not. Maybe he had been wrong to distrust his parents in the matter of her mind; maybe she had fabricated this entire encounter with Grinpayne, causing her to fall in love with a man she didn’t even know. What if she wasn’t really in love with someone, but the image of someone she had created? His heart sunk almost to the floor as he thought about how confused she must be in all of this, but he couldn’t settle on this idea. Maybe the relationship was incorporated into the story to create a more interesting plot and Hazel was in love with a real man. He took a deep breath and engaged with the show once more, carefully watching as the two of them engaged in a kiss, something that did seem a little cursory. The stage was empty and then Grinpayne returned to sing a song, one filled with self-loathing and disgust at the brutality he’d been shown; now it clicked as to why Hazel had felt so connected to him. Then he showed his disfigurement and his body seemed to involuntarily shudder as he watched the reveal. He had to speak to him, he had to find out how deep the two of them had become in this relationship.

Once the show was over, the crowd dispersed while they chatted and moved onto a different show like what they had seen hadn’t affected them in anyway. That didn’t matter to him, he had one goal and that was to see Grinpayne, so he headed in the direction behind the stage. As he drew closer, he saw the scruffy man outside of a cart, petting his wolf, and George straightened his coat before walking towards him with the purpose to demand to see The Grinning Man. He cleared his throat loudly to get the attention of him, only to met with a half-hearted glance, which turned into a small smile as he realised that was the man with the money. He lazily stood up and offered a hand.

“The name’s Ursus, how can I help you?”  
“I would like to speak to Grinpayne,” he said, shaking the hand firmly.  
“Not a problem,” he looked into the cart, “Grinpayne, get out here, boy,” he called in.  
“I would like to speak to him alone if that’s okay,” he tried to sound like an authority.  
“Fine,” Ursus turned bitter, “Mojo, c’mon, let’s get out of here,” he walked into the cart, shutting the door once Mojo was in and Grinpayne was out.  
“Good evening,” Grinpayne greeted him a little confused.  
“My name is George Stevenson, I believe you know my sister, Hazel.”  
His eyes lit up, but then it hit him. “Are you here on behalf of your parents?”  
“Pardon?” he was thrown aback. Just how much had Hazel shared with him?  
“Your parents are the ones that put her in that place, the ones that are causing her so much pain just because she won’t do what they tell her to,” he almost spat.  
“I know, and I’m trying to get her out of there, I need to save her from that place.”  
“Can’t you just get her out? You are her brother.”  
“It doesn’t work like that, my parents are the only ones that can do it. And they won’t let her come home until they believe she’s ready to marry someone they choose for her.”  
He snorted. “That’s not going to happen, we both know that.”  
“There is one way I can make it happen,” he said sullenly.  
“Really? How?” his voice danced with excitement.  
“You have to break her heart…” he said a little bluntly.  
“What?”  
“If you break her heart, if you leave her behind, she will be crushed, yes, but it might help her to understand that not all dreams come true. There’s nothing I want in this world more than for Hazel to follow her heart, but following you means she’ll never be happy because she’ll be in there for the rest of her life. If you leave, then she’ll realise that marrying a man who treats her well is better than a man who walks away from her love.”  
“I can’t do that,” he shook his head, confused that he could claim to love someone and then want to do this to them. “I would never do that to her.”  
“You don’t understand, being in that hellscape is destroying her. She used to be filled with light and life, and now she’s wasting away, she stunted. Letting go of her is the kindest thing you can do for her.”  
“She’s still filled with light and life, she’s willing to fight for the things she wants to, so why can’t you let her?”  
“Because she deserves to be home,” he almost shouted as the frustration bubbled over. “She deserves to be safe, to be in a place where she is loved.”  
He snorted. “Yeah, I hear those parents of yours are really loving.”  
“You have no idea what you’re talking about,” he scoffed. “If you were a part of our societal circle, you would understand. You would understand that every day she spends in there is another day she is absent and people cease to care for her.”  
“If they stop caring because she’s not next to them, they aren’t people she should be with…”  
“They are, they are the people she should be at dinner parties with, the people she should be engaged with, one of them should be her husband by now.”  
“And you think that’s the life Hazel really wants?”  
“Of course she does. Everyone wants to feel wanted and loved.”  
“Those people wouldn’t give her the love she needs, nor the love you deserves.”  
“And you can give that to her while she’s stuck in that place?”  
“I will love her wherever she is.”  
“Then leave her behind so she can leave that asylum. Love her from afar so she can at least be out of that place. Please Grinpayne,” he took his hand firmly, “if you love my sister, you have to let her come home to me.”

Grinpayne was dumbfounded, standing still as he looked into the eyes of Hazel’s brother, trying to see if this for real. Once he’d seen the seriousness and the sullen frown, he realised that this was his plan. George didn’t give him a chance to reply, letting go of his hand and walking away into the darkness to leave him with his thoughts. He knew it was drastic, and perhaps a little dramatic, but there was no other way he could ever see his sister getting her freedom. Although he had yet to speak to their parents, he knew they wouldn’t change their mind, so he had to formulate a different plan. Breaking Hazel’s heart wasn’t the ideal way to go about things, but while she had her heart set on Grinpayne, there was no way that she was going to entertain the notion of marriage to another. Taking him away from her may cause her to give into their parents and settle down. Although there were parts of this plan that didn’t sound so attractive, at least if she was at home, he could help her to build the life she deserved. It wasn’t the great romantic adventure she had always dreamed of, but anything had to be better than being in an asylum.


	8. What Comes Next?

The morning usually roused Grinpayne with a gentle feeling as he awoke, but this time he was just frustrated that the sun decided to shine its rays into the cart. He grumbled to himself as he shielded his eyes, the conversation from last night filling his head as he rolled onto his side to face the wooden wall of the cart. Life was sometimes confusing and complicated, but he never expected that he would ever find himself in such a situation. Venturing into the world beyond the cart had brought a beautiful woman into his life, but created a conflict he didn’t know if he would be able to resolve, and now it had also thrown an ultimatum that seemed impossible to solve. The time he had spent with Hazel outside the asylum had been some of the best time he had spent in this world, but he had no knowledge of her life on the inside. What if the life on the inside was so horrible that she needed a way to get out of there and the only way to do that was to take away the thing that would stop her from doing what her parents wanted her to do? Something told him that walking away from her wouldn’t help her solve anything. To help someone, you needed to be there for them.

The thoughts had plagued his mind throughout the night and that was why he couldn’t sleep, not even a quick five minute nap. He couldn’t even come to a decision on what he should do and didn’t think he ever could, it was like his mind was tormenting him over and over again. No matter what scenario played out, he was creating pain and discomfort to her and that was something he wanted to avoid at all costs. If there was one thing he was becoming certain of, he couldn’t help her if he wasn’t in her life. He had to figure out his own way to get her out of there if he could. There had to be some happiness in all of this tragedy, he was going to make sure one of them would have a good life in the end. Maybe leaving her to a mediocre life of marriage to a boring gentleman was safer for her. Then again, would a life like that ever satisfy her? He didn’t think it ever could, but perhaps he had misunderstood the person she truly was. The best way to understand what she wanted in her life was to ask her, which was now what was giving him the motivation to sit up and get on so he could see her tonight.

He looked up as he watched Dea stir and slowly wake. He felt if he tried to explain to her what happened last night it would give her the biggest opportunity to tell him now was the time to walk away from all of this. If there was a way to get her opinion on this without the emotions towards the situation, he felt he could get useful advice from her. Then again, knowing Dea, if she didn’t want to keep him to herself, she would tell him to follow his heart as well. She had slowly moved on the bed and stretched her hand out for Mojo and the wolf happily padded over to her. The current tableau gave him that satisfyingly warm feeling in his stomach, but it just wasn’t entirely completing him the way that it once used to. The one thing that he wanted right now was for Hazel to be sat next to him, holding his hand as they both just sunk into each other. Perhaps there was a way that he could try to convince Hazel to run away with him and leave it all behind, but he guessed she couldn’t really just disown her family and come to a life with no true stability. Her parents gave her a true house to live in and if she got that husband, she would get a good amount of money.

“Grinpayne, are you awake?” she asked softly.  
“Just about,” he rasped.  
“Are you okay?”  
“Yeah, I just couldn’t really get much sleep last night.”  
“Oh, was Ursus snoring? Or did I fidget and shake the cart too much?”  
“No, it was neither of you, I was just thinking too much.”  
“I thought it was getting warm in here last night,” she giggled softly. “What was it concerning?”  
“It’s nothing you need to worry about,” he forced himself to smile even though he knew she couldn’t see it, almost trying to convince himself.  
“It doesn’t sound like it, what happened last night? Was there bad news from Hazel?”  
“In a way,” he said sullenly, “no, it’s fine, it’s something I can figure out myself, I’m sure.”  
“Grinpayne, you can speak to me about this. Please tell me what is going on.”  
“Hazel is currently in the asylum… she isn’t crazy, she’s there because her parents want her to marry and she refuses,” he inhaled slowly, “but now her brother wants me to abandon her, to leave her in that asylum so she can lose hope, so she’ll go home and marry a boring old man.”  
“That… that is quite a predicament…” she reached out, slowly making her way towards to the bed before finding his hand, sitting beside him. “Why didn’t you tell me?”  
“It was a lot for me to take on…” he said softly. “Plus, I kind of know what your answer would have been.”  
“What does that mean?”  
“I know you don’t want me to be around her, and so you would tell me to walk away from the problems.”  
“But you care about her,” she was finally realising how much Hazel meant to him, and getting between them was going to be harmful to Grinpayne. “I think you wouldn’t have listened to me considering how much I’ve already tried to warn you against being with her. And she makes you happy, I see that now, I can’t let you give up on someone who makes you happy.”  
“So what do I do? I don’t want her to be hurt, but I don’t want her to leave my life.”  
“There has to be another way. Perhaps we could come up with something better than her brother, we do have a different perspective on things.”  
“You’re right! We can find a better way through this.”  
“Father could help as well, he was very helpful the last time.”  
“I’m sure he can come up with a plan just as good as the last,” he smiled brightly.  
“I’m sorry I was so negative when she first came into your life… I just didn’t want to lose you.”  
“You’re not going to lose me, I’m always going to be here Dea, I love you, and I always will.”  
“I know that now, and I promise to help you two,” she reached for his hand and he snatched it tightly.  
“Thank you, so much,” he pulled her hand to his chest. “I think you two will make the best of friends.”  
“She does sound like a really kind person.”  
“Oh Dea,” he let her hand slip from his, “she really is a fine person. She’s so interesting, and her compassion despite being in this horrible situation… she leaves me in awe. I just wish I could get her out of that place.”  
“And we will,” she felt the air, carefully placing her hand on his shoulder.

Grinpayne was beginning to feel positive about all of this once more and he wanted to start thinking about something right this moment. He resisted so he wouldn’t rush into this with an idea that was only partially thought out. There was a new vigour to do this, like they would definitely be able to get an idea that would be better, something that her brother won’t have thought of and they could save her. It helped that Dea was now on board, it gave him an extra push of positivity that this was all going to turn out okay. The morning sun no longer taunted him, but was encouraging him to get through the day so he could wait to see if she would be at the performance. If she was, there was even a chance that they could start to come up with an even better plan with all of them working on this together. With a smile in his heart, he held onto Dea’s hand once more, watching the sunlight stream through the small window.

The morning light was harsher for Hazel, another reminder that she wasn’t outside in the world that she wanted to explore. There was some movement outside of her room and she could hear the low murmur of nurses discussing something she couldn’t quite make out. Nervously, her hand began to find the crook of her elbow as she started to scratch the skin away. There was no reason, apart from the fact she was scared, scared of what could become of her. Were the nurses discussing her future in the asylum, there had been a thought about her treatment worsening so they could get her to finally break. Or what if someone else was being discussed and she could have been able to warn them. Rushing over to the door, she pressed her ear to the door, hoping to get a listen.

“We need to keep this as quiet as possible.”  
“No one in here is going to know who she is, she’s barely recognised by the normal public, these lunatics won’t have a clue.”  
“I hope you’re right matron, this is very risky. It’s not exactly protocol.”  
“Don’t lecture me on protocol. If my son thinks this is the best place for her, then it is. We just need to find her a place.”  
“All rooms are full.”  
“I know they are!” she barked. “What female patients do we have that aren’t violent?”  
“There’s only really two if you want to make sure she’s definitely unharmed.”  
“Newton and Stevenson?”  
“Yes, those are the only two with no violent tendencies. But Stevenson is prone to self injury.”  
“Put her in with her then. Maybe it’ll give her the push to finally give up on her silly notions. Newton is a lifer so there’s nothing to be gained from them being roomed together.”  
“Yes matron, when will the patient be arriving?”  
“My son will be arriving soon with her.”

Hazel stepped away from the door, her skin turning pale apart from the patch under her fingernails, small beads of blood forming on her skin. She wasn’t sure what this was even going to mean for her. The questions began swimming around her head, the ideas of who this person could be, the fact the matron’s son was the person bringing her in, that could only mean that this person was filled with just as much cruelty and evil as he was. They wanted to put her with a non-violent patient, which could mean that she was filled with violence herself and wanted someone who wouldn’t fight back. They were going to be sorely mistaken; Hazel was ready to fight anything that wanted to take away her passion from life, anything that threatened taking away Grinpayne.

As the door lock clicked, she quickly sat back on her bed, acting as if she had been simply looking at the walls. Even though she had an idea what was going to be said to her, she was still filled with terror at what was going to happen next; the matron instilled fear in her no matter the situation. The other nurse stood behind her, holding they tray with today’s medication on it, but Hazel’s eyes wouldn’t shift from the matron, just waiting for what she would say with baited breath.

“Today is an interesting day for you, Stevenson. You’re going to be hosting another patient. The two of you will reside together in this room for duration of her stay. You are to look after her,” a sickly smirk appeared.  
“W-will we get another bed?”  
“Oh no, we can’t afford that, I’m sure you can figure something out. I’ve heard at how resourceful you can be.”

A lump began to form in Hazel’s throat as her mind began to whir at an unholy speed. Did the matron know about her late night trips? Or was it just that she had seen the way Hazel nursed other patients when they needed her help? Either way, the panic was beginning to set in and she couldn’t shift it no matter how hard she reassured herself. Her gaze shifted as the other nurse moved over and handed her the daily dose with the glass of dusty water.

“She’ll be arriving later today, so I expect you to be on your best behaviour,” the matron teased.

After taking her medication and presenting her mouth to show she had swallowed them, the matron and nurse left her alone with her thoughts. There was something that sat in the pit of her stomach, making her feel sicker by each passing second. It was the unknown that worried her, not knowing who this person was or what they would be like, but also what it would entail. The questions rushed through her head, making her think of almost every single possibility. Each one was worse than the other, but all of them ended with her in pain and discomfort. The more the thoughts swam through her head, the deeper her nails dug into her skin and made it raw and irritated. The top layer had come away and she was getting deeper and deeper, blood sitting on the surface until it was scraped away and smeared around the area.

The more she scratched, the deeper she went and therefore the worse it would be once she had finished. But none of that crossed her mind at this moment, the only thing that was there was the cloud of anxiety and confusion. The more she scratched, the more she didn’t have to think about those things and be utterly lost in a haze of pain and routine. That was until her eyes fell on the letter that Grinpayne had left her poking out of her book and her fingers fell limp. She started to remember the love that she felt when he was near and the love she could feel even though he wasn’t here. If he was here, he could hold her and assure her that everything was going to get better; that she would be okay and this new patient wouldn’t bring her anything she couldn’t handle. She pressed her forehead against the cold stone wall and waited with closed eyes, hoping she would be able to do this.

Her heart leapt into her throat as she heard the lock click once more and she turned quickly to see who it was. The matron’s son was a sickly thin man whose skin always looked like it was peeling as he seemed to never be able to get all of his clown make up off. He scuttled into the room, his hands clasped together as he seemed to inspect it, looking at what was available for the person he was putting in here. She couldn’t take her eyes off him despite being the one thing she never wanted to look at again. He turned sharply and stared at her with pursed lips. Her skin crawled as she tried to look away, chewing her lip nervously, waiting for him to say something as her eyes looked at any spot on his face apart from his eyes.

“So, who are you?”  
“H-Hazel Stevenson,” she looked at the floor.  
“H-H-H-H-Hazel,” he mocked, “so what is your affliction?”  
She cast a glance up at the matron with confusion.  
“Well, he asked you a question, answer him,” she snapped from behind him.  
“Extreme bouts of melancholy, moments of madness which induce self injury.”  
“Hmm,” he lifted her sleeve with a crooked finger, “I guess it will do.” He turned to the matron. “At least she doesn’t look crazy.”  
“Quite, and she keeps to herself, pretty quiet most of the time,” she explained like she wasn’t even there.  
“So why is she in here?  
“Despises aristocracy and refuses to marry her betrothed.”  
“Almost fitting.”  
“Quite.”

The two shared a sickly grin with each causing a shudder to run through her body. To know that the cruelty that ran through the matron, also ran through him was enough to make a sane person avoid both of them. Sadly, she wasn’t able to simple ignore or run away from them, having to suffer whatever sick game they wanted to play next. The matron slowly walked into the room and revealed the patient standing behind her; she wasn’t much taller than Hazel, and her hair was all horribly matted together, and she seemed terribly pale, but she was well looked after and her white gown was in perfect condition. As she looked up to the woman’s face, she couldn’t help but notice the utter confusion in her eyes, fixed with one eyebrow cocked up, looking to the matron’s son for some advice on this situation, but getting nothing from him apart from being dragged further into the room.

“This is all of yours now, your father believes it best you’re not able to cause problems in the public, and so here is where you’ll find yourself for the foreseeable future. Maybe if you get well in here, you’ll be able to come home, but for now, this is your home.”

Hazel looked between the two of them as she waited for some kind of acknowledgement or something from either of them, but there was absolutely nothing. The woman shuffled further into the room and simply sat herself down on the bed and looked back up to the matron’s son, confusion still on her face. She wasn’t sure if she should say something to disperse the tension or whether it was simply safer to keep it to herself. She looked to the woman who now sat next to her, and then to the matron, and then to the matron’s son, waiting for something, anything just to kill the painful silence.

“Well, I best be off now Angelica, I’ll tell your father you were on your best behaviour, but now you are in the right place, you’ll be more suited to life in here,” his sincerity was forced and awkward. “I will visit to check in on you from time to time,” his forced smile suggested otherwise.

And with that, he and his mother left the room, shutting the door and then locking the two patients into together. Without thinking, Hazel got to her feet and quietly tiptoed over to the door to see if she could hear them speaking, if there were any last words that were being exchanged that she could understand. She wanted to get at the bottom of this, to find out who this woman was and why her father wanted so desperately to dispose of her in a place where no one would find her. They were murmuring lowly, so she pressed her ear to the door to get as close to their conversation as possible.

“Barkilphedro, stop worrying, no one will know she’s here, this is one of your most brilliant plans yet. You will surely gain more respect from him.”  
“I hope so, I still have my eye on that velvet gown.”  
“I know, I know, and you will have it soon, son.”

They moved away from the door and now it was impossible to understand what they were saying, so she walked back towards the bed to watch the new patient, Angelica. Her face seemed slightly familiar, but there was nothing coming to her on where she would even know her from. Of course she knew that the matron’s son was a man who worked for someone wealthy, someone who was influential, but Hazel had never really met women of that world, only the men that she was supposed to marry. Cautiously, she sat down on the edge of the bed, wondering what this patient was having problems with or whether she was in a similar situation. There didn’t seem to be any reaction from her at all, as if she was frozen now she had finished moving and it unnerved Hazel.

“My name is Hazel, yours is Angelica, right?” she said softly.

There was no verbal response, but she finally looked in her direction, as if that was her answer, which she assumed meant yes unless she had completely misheard it earlier. Unsure of what to do next, she wiped her hands on her dress and sat in contemplation for a few moments. It didn’t seem as if talking was going to get her anywhere, but there wasn’t many other ways she could think of to interact with her. Plus, she didn’t know if there was something that would eventually set her off, or if this was her constant state. Some of the other patients she had seen had become this way after years and years of abuse, simply unable to react or interact at all which meant they weren’t much of an attraction for the viewings for the public. Although it was a horrible state to find her in, at least she wouldn’t be a victim of the gawping and pointing from the paying masses. Tucking a stray strand of hair behind her ear, she carefully leant forward, cautious in case it created a reaction.

“I know it’s hard to be placed in somewhere like this by your own family, but I promise I will help you as much as I can,” she smiled. “Is it okay if I help tidy up your hair?” she remained formal and polite.

There was no reaction from Angelica and Hazel wasn’t entirely sure how to proceed next. She shifted on the bed slightly and leant in towards her, lifting her hands to start to ease the matted hair. Her hands stopped in midair as Angelica flinched, and she moved back slightly to see if she wanted her to leave her be. They locked eyes for a moment and Angelica seemed to accept the help this time, simply scared as she wasn’t used to be treated with kindness. It broke Hazel’s heart to see someone who seemed so docile being so scared of human contact because of the cruelty she had probably experienced from Barkilphedro. Once more, she began to move forward and this time Angelica didn’t flinch, instead allowing her to carefully put her hands into the matted hair.

It was a long task and most people probably wouldn’t have bothered to help someone with such a meaningless task, but she felt that something like this could help her simply to just feel normal. Delicately, she began to divide up parts of the hair the way it naturally fell away from each other, sectioning off a little more to make it easier on Angelica as she started to untangle the hair. She worked her fingers through it, slowly pulling apart some of the knots and slipping the hair through others, trying her hardest to not pull it painfully. Part of this felt kind of therapeutic for her, her mind concentrating on her actions instead of all the things that had been bouncing around her head for most of the morning. Not only was it occupying her thought space, but it was nice to watch the progression of how her hair was becoming detangled and eventually she would have a nice head of hair that could be plaited, or just admired in its natural form.

Hazel moved across to grab her ornate silver hair brush off the bedside table, pulling her book that was under it and bringing both with her. She placed the book next to Angelica on the bed and then held her brush, teasing the hair with her free hand before starting to brush out the sectioned which were now able to have the brush ran through them. A smile started to play on her lips as the progress was coming along nicely, seeing that there was a chance she could have this done before lights out if she kept this pace. The hair was beginning to show its true beauty, with natural curls adding a little extra bounce to it. Perhaps she had spent a few hours doing this, but it hadn’t been wasted time, especially if it was one small thing that would make Angelica to feel a little better in herself.

Finally, she was able to run her brush through her hair without much trouble. A few small tangles were still there, but she didn’t give up, carefully pulling and picking at the small knots until her fingers could run through it. Then once more, she ran the brush through the hair with a proud little smile. Sitting back down next to her new roommate, she carefully moved the hair over her shoulders to show her how pretty it looked without the terrible mattes in it. Angelica seemed to show a small amount of emotion for the first time, having sat perfectly still the entire time, a smile cracking the corners of her mouth as she then looked up to Hazel, her eyes seemingly glassing over slightly. Hazel placed a comforting hand on her shoulder, rubbing it softly, just to remind her that she was always going to be here for her if she could be.

The sun was slowly sinking in the sky and creating a fantastic hue of soft reds and oranges that seemed to create a final sense of calm over the day. Hazel’s eyes darted to the outside world for a moment; could she go out and leave Angelica for a trip to see Grinpayne? As she shuffled to give her a little more room, Hazel knocked the book off the bed causing the pages to fall open and his note fall onto the floor. While she had never been a big believer in signs, if there had ever been a moment to, this would be it. Before Angelica could cast a look towards the tatty paper, she scooped it back into the book and placed it on the bedside table, and the brush on top of it once more. The flood of anxieties and questions came back as she tried to make a decision since there could be more of a risk of being caught now there was another patient they were more likely to check on regularly.

The door clicked open, both Angelica and Hazel flinching at the noise as they looked to see who would be coming in. This time it was only one of the other nurses, so they were relatively safe for the time being. Without a single word or interaction, the nurse roughly grabbed Angelica’s arm against her best struggling and placed the needle into her skin, pressing the plunger and taking it out just as she began to fall backwards onto the bed. The nurse looked to Hazel and simply held out a small glass which had the medication she was supposed to take during the day to battle with the melancholy. She drank it quickly and handed the glass back, then the nurse left without anything else. As she looked between the letter and Angelica, she thought about the best plan of action for tonight.

Once the performance for the evening was over, the crowd dispersed and the performers for The Grinning Man all slowly made their way back to the small wooden cart. They were all quiet, mainly waiting to see what would be waiting for them once they got back. Of course, Grinpayne was waiting eagerly to see Hazel and to just speak to her, being in her calming and almost healing presence. Mojo padded softly next to Ursus, panting happily as his tail wagged, and nudging Dea’s empty hand playfully. With a small smile, she lifted her hand and then started to scratch the wolf’s head lovingly, starting to feel the effects of the conversation she had with Grinpayne this morning, things becoming more comfortable as she accepted this new and different type of love. Maybe all of this was a better thing than they had first imagined.

Before they reached their travelling home, he could hear footsteps behind them and couldn’t resist looking over his shoulder, catching the eye of the person he was hopeful to see. Although as pale as she usually was, there seemed to be a glow about her under the soft lights from the fair. Part of him just wanted to stay in this moment and not ruin it, but he knew that he had to tell her about what her brother had wanted to him to do. There was a real fear sitting inside him that this news would break her heart and that was something that he always wanted to avoid, but he couldn’t not tell her since it seemed like this was too important to ignore. Before he had the chance to say or do anything more, he was pulled into a tight hug from her, his hands slipping around her waist and pulling her closer, taking her in.

“That was a wonderful performance tonight, Grinpayne.”  
“Thank you,” he blushed slightly, still not used to the praise from anyone.  
“I’m sorry I couldn’t get out to see you last night.”  
“It’s okay, you don’t have to apologise, it’s not your fault.”  
She smiled sadly. “There’s a chance it’s going to be harder for me to come more often. A new patient arrived today and was placed in my room. She definitely needs my help, I can’t leave her alone in that place.”  
“I understand that, you want to help her,” he nodded despite feeling that he was being passed over for someone else.  
“I do, she needs someone to show her kindness as she has had none her entire life. She jumps at almost every movement, she doesn’t even speak. I spent all of the day detangling her hair, just because she has never been taken care of. I can’t let cruelty be her only experience.”  
He couldn’t even think of what to say, simply holding onto her hand and smiling.  
“But I will always try to visit if I can, I’m not going to leave you,” she squeezed his hand.  
“If I can visit you, I will try, but I don’t know if your brother has me on a blacklist.”  
“Georgie? You’ve met him? Why wouldn’t he let you visit me?”  
“He visited me last night. He believes that our relationship will hold you back, that it won’t let you move towards the ideals your parents have for you.”  
“He doesn’t understand that’s not the life that I want, this is the life I want!”  
“I think his main reason is because he wants you out of the asylum, but the only way out is to do that.”  
“So he would rather me be bored and unhappy, than do the things that I want?”  
“He wants to get you out of that place, but so do I. So I need to find a better way to get you out of there, and we will do it,” he pulled her hand to his chest.  
“I guess he’s trying…” she looked up at him with glassy eyes. “But I would rather be in there than outside in a loveless marriage. I may be free from the asylum, but my life would be unlived.”  
“I know, which is why I refuse to play into his plan, I won’t let him take you away from me.”  
“He won’t, I’ll make sure he knows this is a terrible plan. And now with Angelica, I can’t abandon her in that place.”  
“Dea and I are going to help think of something better, something that means you can live the way you want.”  
“If Angelica hadn’t fallen in my lap, I would have been inclined to simply run away with you.”  
“I would have had no objections,” he could feel his cheeks tighten into what would have been a goofy grin.  
Her free hand slowly cupped his cheek. “We could have been true adventurers, going wherever we wanted on a whim.”  
He let go of her hand and took a hold of her shoulders. “Chasing the sun through the sky and sitting in the company of the stars.”  
“Carving our own roads in the landscape, and leaving a trail of for other people to follow behind us,” she locked eyes with him.  
“We’ll follow our hearts and not let a single person tell us what to do.”

Her reply was to slowly stand up on the balls of her feet and kiss him, her hand pulling him closer to her so she could now slip her arms around his shoulders. After a few moments, she settled back down on her feet, but Grinpayne didn’t break the kiss, leaning down as his arm slipped around her back. He didn’t want to be pulled away from her, just wanting this moment to last a lifetime, but he did need to breathe at some point. As he could feel the slight discomfort beginning to pulse through his wound, he pulled back from her, looking at her for a moment before tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. They stayed in silence, their hands resting upon each other as they both tried to find the heart to part once more as the bell chimed like a taunting reminder. Their hands found each other in the darkness but they both knew they couldn’t stay here. He cast a glance over to Ursus as if asking for permission to go with her and he nodded him on.

Hazel gave Ursus a small wave of appreciation and then they turned to walk on the way to the asylum. They didn’t have to engage in conversation, the two of them simply being in each other’s company being enough to satisfy them. As his free hand slipped into his pocket, he remembered Osric’s scarf and quickly tied it around his lower face to hide his bloodied bandage. He carefully slipped his hand around Hazel’s waist, pulling her closer to him and unable to stop the warmth coursing through his body as she leant her head on him. There was something so simple in this moment and yet it was almost like it was of great importance.

They walked briskly through the quiet streets of London, each step bringing happiness and sorrow at the same time. They go to spend time together, being with the person they felt most connected to, but with each step they knew that they would be away from each other but didn’t know for how long. The unknown was the thing that worried both of them, Grinpayne more worried about the fact that maybe Ursus would decide they needed to leave London without him getting a chance to say goodbye to her. Of course he hated the idea of breaking up his family, but he was beginning to wonder if he would choose her over them if the time came. He would never be able to replicate this feeling of happiness and calm with another person, and her arm around his waist felt like the most natural thing in the world that he didn’t want to give up for anyone.

They could both sense the daunting feel of dread as the asylum loomed in front of them, their grip becoming tighter on each other. As they entered the garden, they looked up to each other with sadness in their eyes, but they knew they had to do this. Suddenly, he could feel his chest tightening as his hand fell from around her waist, falling to his knees on the overgrown grass. She watched him fall and her eyes filled with terror at what this could mean. Not only was he in pain and dealing with something horrible, but now she had the panic of if she would be able to get back to her room before there was a room check. Quickly, she knelt down in front of him, holding onto one of his hands while his other grasped his chest, and watching him for a moment, trying to figure out what she could even do to help him.

“Grinpayne, I know the pain is hard, sometimes it takes over completely, but you have to listen to my voice, you have to come back to me,” she squeezed his hand tightly. “Please, just let yourself feel, but don’t dwell on it, feel it, but let it wash over you because it doesn’t define you,” she said softly, her other hand starting to run through his soft curls.

Her words played through his head, each word bringing him back towards her and the pain slowly subsiding. The pain throbbed in his chest, tightening his heart, but her voice slowly loosened the hurt that gripped on it. As the haze of pain started to clear from his mind, he could finally focus on her, but he could also see someone in his mind. It was someone that he felt he knew but hadn’t seen for years; a woman, probably around the same age that he was now, her skin was dark and her eyes were soft and caring. He blinked slowly and the beautiful woman disappeared from his mind. Looking back to Hazel, his eyes welled with tears as he wasn’t able to understand how this was the first time in years that he had ever seen who could only guess was his own mother. She had to be the reason that he had remembered her face and all he could do was look at her and slowly let the tears fall from his eyes.

Hazel leant forward and slowly wiped the tears from under his eyes, offering him a kind smile and holding tightly to his hand. There was no need for either of them to say anything in this moment as she didn’t expect him to share anything. Still fully aware that she needed to get back to her room, she stayed with him so she could make sure that he was okay. Tentatively, she pulled down the scarf from his face, placing her hand on his cheek to bring his face up slightly, the tears glistening in the soft glow from the street lamps. A soft sigh escaped from his mouth as he could feel the relief washing over him, leaning into her hand while his other hand grasped her hand. In one smooth motion, he stood to his feet, and then helped her to her feet as well, never letting go of her hand at any point. He was well aware that she needed to go so he tried to be as quick as he could, pulling her in for a hug before she had to go. That goodbye wasn’t enough for her, leaning in to steal a sweet goodnight kiss before disappearing behind the heavy asylum door.


	9. The Pretend Courtship

As she snuck down the corridor, she could hear the nurse ahead, coming closer to her room, but she knew that she was going to beat her to it. The nurse went into a room and that was when she burst into a run and went straight into hers. Angelica was sat bolt upright on the bed, wide eyed as Hazel came back into the room. She knew that it must have been somewhat of a shock for her to wake up and be on her own, and how jarring it was for her to suddenly appear in a rush as she slipped off her over coat and slid it under the bed to hide it from the nurses. 

“I know I disappeared, but I have an arrangement,” she lied, mainly to stop her from getting into trouble. “I get to go on excursions sometimes, small trips into town to see a druggist,” the words flowing from her a lot easier than she wished. “But I hope you’re okay,” she said softly as she sat down on the bed next to her.

Angelica looked up at Hazel, confusion still vaguely on her face, but since she felt comfortable with her, she could at least relax a little bit. The two of them sat in silence for a moment before Hazel looked up to the door, suddenly remembering that they weren’t going to be getting anything extra so the two of them could sleep comfortably. Her eyes flitter around the room, trying to think of how she could make herself even remotely comfortable since she was going to be sacrificing her bed for Angelica, that wasn’t even up for debate. The only thing she could think to do was to prop herself against the wall since lying down on the stone floor would became too uncomfortable and probably create pain. If she could wake up before the nurse’s visit in the morning, she could get away with use her coat as a blanket as well if there was a chill in the night air.

The nurse slammed the door of the room next to theirs which prompted her to scramble to grab her book with the letter tucked in the pages. The door swung open and the nurse appeared brandishing a needle and two small vials which made Hazel quickly rush to Angelica’s side. It was no surprise to her that the nurse gave no warning after pulling the liquid into needle and then stabbed Angelica quickly in the arm. The confusion appeared quickly as she quirked an eyebrow and looked at Hazel who placed a comforting hand on her knee, watching as the dose kicked in and she began to drift off. She moved to help lay her down as the nurse grumbled behind her. Before she could even straighten herself out, the nurse grabbed her arm and injected her quickly and left without another word.

Once the nurse shut the door, she carefully moved towards the head of the bed and settled down against the wall, leaning slightly against the bed side unit. Her eyes fluttered slightly, but she fought it hard, reaching for her book to grasp it tightly to her chest, not letting her heavy lids close until she was against the wall once more. This feeling was one of the worst because she just couldn’t fight it at all, no matter how hard she tried, she would still always fall asleep, but her main aim was always to feel comfortable and to have her mind filled with good thoughts. As the moonlight softly shone, casting the shadow of the bars from her window, she could still feel the warmth from Grinpayne’s hug and he danced in her mind, the ghost of a smile creeping on to her lips as the drug finally took over her body.

If Grinpayne had lips, they would be turned up into one of the biggest grins that could be ever witnessed. He finally opened the cart door and almost fell in off the cloud he had been floating on all the time he’d been outside. Dea was soundly sleeping and Ursus was sat in the chair, reading over a book before he looked up to see his son walking through the door. A soft smile appeared on his lips as he noted how different Grinpayne looked after spending time with Hazel. Placing his bookmark on the page, he closed it and awaited the news of what happened during the course of the trip back to the asylum. The cart rocked slightly as Grinpayne sat down on the edge of his bed and looked to Ursus, the smile dancing in his eyes as he held his hands together to stop them from shaking from excitement.

“You look like you have some news,” Ursus couldn’t stop the little smirk from appearing.  
“I saw my mother…” he said dreamily.  
“What do you mean?”  
“I was in a cloud of pain, and Hazel eased me out of it and for the first time in years, I saw my mother’s face, I could see her as clearly as I see you now.”  
“But how?”  
“I don’t know, it just happened, as the pain faded, she appeared to me. It was like all the times the pain brought it to me, but also stopped me from seeing her.”  
“So you think Hazel is the reason you saw her?”  
“I think so, it was like her words helped me to shift my focus away from the pain.”  
“Did you not have your crimson lethe with you?”  
“No, I didn’t think I would need it. And it seems if I’m with her, I don’t,” the happiness in his voice echoed throughout the cart.  
“It’s dangerous to not take your medicine when you need it, you know that Grinpayne,” he seemed angered at his breakthrough. “But at least you remember your mother,” he seemed to backtrack slightly.  
“And if I remember her, maybe I can remember more about that night, maybe I can remember what happened that night.”  
“It’s a possibility, but don’t get too caught up in it, you may end up disappointed.”  
“You said the same thing about me letting Hazel into my life.”  
“I know you see her as a good thing, but think about all of the complications that you now face.”  
“What does that mean?”  
“Dea told me about what her brother said to you, and you have to consider how fulfilling a relationship with someone that you can only see under the cover of night when she can sneak out will be.”  
“So you’re saying I should abandon her?”  
“No, I’m saying you might have to. She has her life planned out for her by-“  
“She doesn’t want that life, she wants adventure and excitement, not marriage to a stuffy aristocrat.”  
“She wants a life a lot of people want, but it’s not what she’s going to get,” he said bluntly. “People like her have two options; conform or be hidden away so they can’t create dissent. That’s all there is.”  
“She can break free from that, I know she can because I’m going to help her do it.”  
“You’re not going to let her go, are you?” a mixture of admiration and irritation in his voice.  
“No. I can’t.”  
“What’s your great plan, then?”  
“I… I don’t know yet…” the realisation hitting him that he didn’t have an idea made the sadness resonate through his voice. “But I’m not going to give up though, I need to help her.”  
“Right,” he sighed, finally giving in, “so we need a way to make her family believe that she has found a suitor while in the asylum who is of the calibre they’re looking for,” he stood and stepped over to his bookcase. “All the while, we need to make sure we can keep her health up so she can look her best for her family.”  
“Yes, but how are we ever going to do something like that?”  
“Dear boy,” he picked up another book, “I am a trained actor,” he smirked wickedly.  
“You’ll play her suitor?” he was taken aback.  
“The people at the asylum don’t know me, I can feed her words from you,” he began to flick through the book, “and perhaps even get her some medication as well,” his eyes fixed on the page, finally getting to the part he wanted.  
“She definitely needs something for her wounds,” he said sadly.  
“That’s an easy fix, but I may be able to help with the melancholy as well,” he put the book down, leaving it open on the current page and picked up another.  
“There is one other thing you need to know…”  
“Oh?” he finally looked up from his books.  
“There’s a new patient that is in her room, she says she doesn’t speak and she’s jumpy, but I don’t think it will be a problem, just another thing we need to help with.”  
“Right, well, we’ll focus on Hazel first.”  
“You’re right, one thing at a time,” he nodded.  
“Now, get some rest, we’re going to have a lot to do tomorrow.”

He was right and Grinpayne knew it, slowly slipping backwards on the bed and getting his legs up on the bed. It wasn’t quite warm enough for the blanket, but once he’d kicked his shoes off, he slid his feet underneath it and got himself a little more comfortable. He could hear Ursus still rummaging around on the bookshelves, and he was curious to know what he was looking at, but decided that sleep would be more important at this moment. The moonlight shone softly onto his face as he rolled onto his side, placing his hand under his cheek and gazing up at the celestial body. Thoughts of Hazel being trapped inside and unable to enjoy the true beauty of the night started to worry his mind. He had to push them aside, he had to remember that one day she would be able to sit outside in the moonlight with him and watch the stars twinkling just for them and that was the thought that comforted him, that helped him to slowly fall asleep in a warm embrace.

As Grinpayne’s eyes flickered open, the sunlight made him wake up with a little more energy than it usually did. Rolling onto his other side, he watched Dea sleep soundly and Ursus grumbling in his sleep in the chair. He slipped his feet from under the blanket and placed them on the wooden floor of the cart, running a hand through his messy curls. There was an urgency he wanted to act on and go out this second, but he hated trying to push everyone to do what he wanted, when he wanted. It didn’t help that he felt the sooner they could get this plan started, there was a chance they would be able to get Hazel out of this situation. Seeing her happy was all he wanted out of this, well, happy and with him. Ursus slowly stirred, coughing a little as he sat up and a book sliding off his lap and hitting the floor with a dull thud. The thud of the book jerked Dea into consciousness, sitting up slowly and grasping her covers to her chest.

“Father? Grinpayne?” she called out softly.  
“Sorry,” Ursus grumbled, “I just dropped my book.”  
“Oh, it’s okay,” she gave a nervous chuckle, “did you fall asleep reading again?”  
“I did, trying to find something to help Hazel.”  
“Grinpayne got you involved in a plan?”  
“I did,” Grinpayne interjected. “Although father came up with most of the plan, I just agreed that it was a good idea.”  
“What’s the plan?” she seemed excited, sitting up on the edge of the bed.  
“Ursus is going to pose as Hazel’s suitor, passing her messages and medicines to help out as much as we can. Maybe even get her out of there a night or two,” he joked.  
“It is possible we could swing that, those nurses would probably be thankful for one less patient every so often,” Ursus rasped.  
“So, we have a plan for today, then?” Dea asked  
“I thought that we could start it tomorrow, but I guess today is a good a day as any to get started,” Ursus pretended to be upset.  
“We’re gonna have to tidy you up,” Grinpayne teased.  
“Better get on with it then…” he grumbled.

As Grinpayne slipped his shoes back on, Mojo finally awoke, stretching out his limbs and yawning loudly before he padded over to Dea, nuzzling her outstretched hand with his snout. The cart started to buzz with activity as Ursus started to search through the costume trunk to see if they had anything that would make him look more presentable and Grinpayne started to collect up the things he could use to make him look preened and pampered. Once he had decided on what to wear, Grinpayne started to clean him up, giving his hair a brush to tidy it up and then starting to trim his facial hair, making it look ever so slightly more like something an aristocrat would have. Changing out over his tatty old waistcoat and into a fine purple velvet one, most of the stains on his white shirt were covered and he carefully placed small dabs of a perfume he had created last night to make him smell rich. The long black over coat had needed a shake out just to get the dust off of it. All he needed to do was to grab some flowers and he was sure he would look perfect.

Before donning the coat, he needed to finish up a few of the things that he had read about the evening before that would help Hazel. Carefully he ground up a few of the yellow roses he had picked earlier and mixed it with his ground St. John’s Wart, then poured the boiling water over it and let it steep. While that sat, he started to work on something to help soothe her skin. He wasn’t sure what her condition was, but he knew that she had a lot of red splotches that never seemed to calm, so maybe something that cooled would help her. He snapped a few leaves off his aloe vera plant and eased out the liquid from it into a jar. The oil was the next thing to be added which created a thicker consistency, but still needed something that would make it a better lotion. He added a small amount of lavender extract and then an almond paste that helped to bring it all together. He screwed a cap onto the jar and then checked on the other potion he had brewing. Once he was happy with the colour, he strained it into a glass bottle and corked it.

Regardless of the fact that he wasn’t being admitted to the asylum, standing in the door way felt like a weight was hanging over him and he was starting to believe that Hazel was a lot stronger than she realised. The peonies clutched in his hand seemed to wilt in the dank air of the asylum as he stepped towards the desk, waiting for the person there to even pay attention to him. Once she finally turned around, he straightened his jacket and in a grand voice declared himself and who he was here to see. She was unimpressed and simply told him to follow her, so he did. The whole place smelled like death and lost hope and he had to try hard to suppress the shudder that ran through him. She opened the door and waved him in, shutting it behind him with a daunting slam. 

“Ursus!” Hazel couldn’t stop herself from hugging him quickly.  
“Quiet, they think that I’m Lord Masterson,” he held her by the shoulders.  
“Wait, what? What’s going on?”  
“Grinpayne and I decided on this plan, I pretend to be your suitor to gain access and when I’m in here, I pass you medicine, notes, whatever you need to get you through the day.”  
“Oh, the two of you are so resourceful,” she beamed.  
“We try our hardest,” he smiled awkwardly. “Oh, hello,” he said, finally noticing Angelica sitting on the bed.  
No reply.  
“It’s nice to meet you,” he said, expecting an answer.  
“She’s mute, I’m trying to help her.”  
“Yes, Grinpayne mentioned you had a fellow patient with you…”  
“Angelica, it’s fine, he’s one of the good guys,” she said, sitting beside her with a soft smile.  
“I try, at least,” he chuckled.  
“So this is going to be a regular thing?” Hazel asked a little excited.  
“I hope so, it’ll help you, and hopefully reduce the need for you to sneak out so much and therefore stop the risk of being caught.”  
“It won’t stop me completely, I’ll still need to see him,” she said firmly.  
“I understand, but I’m hoping the letters may at least reduce you’re desire.”  
She involuntarily snorted and then covered her mouth and nose. “Sorry, it’s just… seeing Grinpayne helps me feel better, it’s like my troubles melt away when he holds me.”  
“I can’t even begin to understand that, but at least stay careful when you sneak out.”  
“I promise, I can’t mess this up,” she said sullenly.  
“And you won’t, Grinpayne believes in you,” he looked at her, “which means I believe in you.” He held the flowers out slightly. “I also brought these, mainly to keep up appearances,” he gave her a toothy grin.  
She took the bunch of peonies, a sweet smile dancing on her lips. “So they really believe that you’re my love interest?” she asked, a little too playfully for Ursus’s taste.  
“What’s so funny, girl?”  
“You’re just not really my type, you know?”  
“In what way, exactly?” he quirked an eyebrow.  
“I mean…” she trailed off, not wanting to hurt his feelings, but she guessed this was all in good nature, “you are a little old for me really,” she smiled awkwardly.  
“I like to think there are girls out there who enjoy the company of an older man, especially if said man is one from wealth.”  
“I guess there are,” she gave a little shrug. “But wealth isn’t exactly my something high on my list of things a suitor must have.”  
“Of course I know that, but since that’s what you’re parents want, it works for me to present that way since that’s what the nurses will report to your folks.”  
“Well, well, this plan is a lot better than I initially assumed.”  
“We came up with this plan not just to help you in the moment, but to get you out of here, because we’re going to get you out,” his voice becoming firm.  
“Thank you, that really means a lot,” her eyes misting slightly.  
“And for the other stuff,” he started, trying to avoid emotion with her, “here’s a tea mixture, it’s already brewed, so you just need to take a few sips a day, that should help with the melancholy,” he said, placing the glass bottle on the bedside unit. “Grinpayne also said you had issues with your skin…”  
“Yes… but I don’t think there’s much you can do to cure this ailment,” she took off her cardigan, revealing the scars, scabs, and raw, exposed skin.  
He knelt down in front of her. “It shouldn’t be much different from something I use to help Grinpayne,” a sudden softness coming over him. “What I brought with me may help with the irritation, but what I bring next will help with the healing process,” he tried to sound comforting.  
“Thank you, I really appreciate this.”  
“I mean, if I didn’t help, Grinpayne wouldn’t exactly be pleased with me,” he tried to lighten the mood.  
“And I assume that wouldn’t make for a happy home,” she joked, sensing he wasn’t comfortable with emotions.  
“Now you’re getting it,” he smiled playfully, thankful that she didn’t want to bring it back around to emotions.  
She crossed the room and placed the flowers onto the bedside unit, on top of her book. “I’m assuming this plan is in part because of my brother’s visit?”  
“I feel something like this would have happened, but yes, your brother’s visit simply accelerated his determination to have you out of here.”  
“If Grinpayne could have his way, he would have me run away with him.”  
“He never has been one to think things through all that well.”  
“It’s not an entirely bad plan, it just means leaving my world behind completely.”  
“And you don’t want to say goodbye to your family?”  
“Mainly my brother, he may be older, but sometimes I’m not sure what he’d do without me,” she chuckled softly.  
“Well then, it’s a good thing he got me involved to fix all of this,” he got up from his knees.  
“Very much so, Lord Masterson,” she smiled playfully, standing from the bed to straighten his jacket lapel.

This was the first time Ursus was actually seeing Hazel face to face and under a good lighting, but he was starting to understand why Grinpayne had been so taken by her. The way her dark auburn hair was plaited as a headband helped to display her soft heart shaped face, bringing attention to her greenish hazel eyes. Her pink lips were turning up into a smile and he was unable to stop himself from smiling back at her. Although her arms were abused, the skin on her face was smooth, and while she was pale to the point of being almost pure white, it didn’t make her look sickly, but instead made her look delicate. The way she was holding herself did give off the air of an upper class woman despite the environment she was in and the white dress, despite being dirty and tatty, still had a design of elegance. He would never be able to admit this to anyone, but he was starting to admire her and the way she carried herself. His hand reached into his coat and pulled out the small pot of lotion he had made for her and placed it next to the brewed tea.

“How long is a usual courting period for people in your position?”  
“Women waiting for a man to come along so she can leave an asylum?” she joked darkly.  
“No… I meant… uh- you know…” he became flustered, realising how insensitive he must have sounded. “I was referring to the upper classes.”  
“Well, the shortest I can remember was Tabitha who was married within a week of meeting a man. And we can convince people we’ve been writing to each other for a while, so this would be our first face to face meeting. But a week may be a little short for myself, considering how my parents know me quite well.”  
“So call it two weeks?” he half joked, half being deathly serious.  
“Perhaps,” she chuckled, “but it will depend on how confident I am on leaving Angelica.”  
“Right… well, I’ll let Grinpayne know. Is there anything you wish to give him?”  
“Not anything I’d want to give to you first,” she blushed. “Can you just remind him that I’ll be looking at the stars tonight?” she smiled sadly.  
“And he’ll know what that means, I’m assuming,” her sentence had sounded very cryptic to him.  
“Of course h-” the noise of the door opening interrupted her.  
“Time’s up, Lord Masterson.”  
“Right, okay,” he said to the nurse, turning to Hazel. “I will see you soon, my sweet,” he took her hand and brought it to his lips delicately.

Pretending that this was the greatest moment, Hazel giggled demurely and gave him a small curtsey as he finally turned to leave the room. The nurse slammed the door behind him and locked it once more, leaving Hazel and Angelica alone to digest what they had just experienced. Angelica hadn’t moved from the bed, sitting as still as possible as she looked to Hazel with a little confusion, trying to piece together what she had just witnessed, but to any outsider this wouldn’t have made all that much sense. She wasn’t entirely sure if she should try to explain it, or if she should save Angelica the confusion. Then again, she could do the human thing and simply ask her if she wanted to know the story. Cautiously, she sat back down next to her on the bed and smiled a little awkwardly, waiting for her nerves to calm a little more before she asked her.

Angelica looked at her a little startled, the question throwing her off a little bit, and yet she was still interested to know what was happening in Hazel’s life. They had only known each other for a couple of days now, but the kindness that she had been shown had softened her heart to this woman. This has been the first time that she actually cared about another person that was in her life and so she nodded, offering the smallest flicker of a smile. With that, Hazel began to explain what was currently happening in her complicated little life. Nothing seemed to stop her from sharing with Angelica as there was a certain trust with her considering that she had been dumped here simply for not fitting in with another man’s plans for her life. So she explained how her parents used the asylum to correct her thinking, that she found Grinpayne and he brought her back from the edge, but that they couldn’t be together, no matter how this played out in her head, and now this was their plan to convince the nurses she was sane, her parents she was ready to marry, and then she could get out of here and be with Grinpayne for good.

As she said it all aloud, it suddenly felt like a weight was being lifted from her chest and she could finally see all of this clearly once more. While Georgie had tried to cloud it all and make her question her judgement of Grinpayne, she could now see that he was the first person who was really concerned for her. All the time she had spent in here and while her brother tried to visit, he rarely did, and he never once found something to help her, never standing up to their parents, nor trying to get her time out of here to spend in the company of someone other than the nurses who treated her with such disdain. No one had ever fought for her the way Grinpayne was, even going so far as writing a letter to win her back; no man would ever be able to take his place in her heart. There had to be a way she could explain all of this to him in a way he would understand, and so she decided she would try and write him a letter for the next time Ursus visited.


End file.
